Truth in Advertising
by savannavansmutsmut
Summary: Awkward, nerdy Bella meets equally awkward, nerdy Edward in the most inopportune of ways, and loudmouth womanizer Emmett doesn't help the mess any. Thankfully for Edward, Bella's good Samaritan instincts are stronger than her annoyance, not to mention her extreme love for vintage sweater vests... AH Co-written with Dollybigmomma.
1. Chapter 1

**This is another one of Dollybigmomma's stories, but she's stepping away from FF and didn't want to leave this unfinished, so I offered to take it over for her. **

**TRUTH IN ADVERTISING**

**By Dollybigmomma**

**Chapter 1: Emmett Cullen's Views on Optimizing Product Placement and Truth in Advertising**

**Product Placement -** The positioning of a product in a retail establishment relative to it's competition that utilizes optimal location or presentation to differentiate it from surrounding products with similar attributes or same type of packaging, such as stand-alone displays, specialized shelf racks, etc.

**Truth in Advertising** - Laws that uphold standards of accurate and full disclosure in advertising to protect and inform consumers as to the actual content or real effectiveness of products.

Crap, Cancun was hot, and this freaking beach was insanely crowded. People were practically lying elbow to elbow out here. I looked over at my stupid little brother and snickered. Idiot.

Don't get me wrong, Edward was the best brother I could have hoped for, but sometimes he was totally clueless...case in point being his current state of blissfully-unaware repose.

We both worked for our father's advertising firm, me as the firm's lead attorney and Edward as the Creative Director for new accounts. It was funny he'd chosen to join the family business, since he had always been an impeccably honest man, and sometimes advertising was anything but honest. But Edward loved his job, as advertising was his passion, and he was good at it. Seriously, the guy could sell sand to an Arab. Right now, though, he was selling himself…short.

Like me, Edward was very fit and had a pretty good body, produced by hours of exercise done competitively next to me at our corporate gym. Yeah, we were pretty good looking guys, if I did say so myself, and I did. Well, Edward would have been even better looking if he would get his stubborn ass some contacts and a new wardrobe, but he refused, claiming he saw no need, when he had a perfectly good pair of glasses and all the free hand-me-downs he could wear from Granddaddy Platt, complete with eau de mothballs as the feature scent. Unfortunately, that total package combined to make him look like a nerdy homeless hipster meets Irish Clark Kent. Not an attractive look on anybody, if you asked me.

Edward was also usually very astute when it came to intellectual things, and he was pretty handy overall, making him a fairly well-rounded guy in the brains department. However, one thing Edward did not have going for him was a good understanding of women and how they worked. I had tried to help him out with that, but he'd just shot me down, accusing me of being a Neanderthal and a womanizer. Hey, my motto was whatever worked, and it worked for me, because women ate that Emmett goodness up when I laid it down. Just don't let our momma know I said that. She'd beat my backside black and blue. Esme Cullen was not someone you messed with.

No, the ladies didn't flock to Edward. He was painfully shy and awkward, with a bit of a stutter when flustered, so his experiences with women had been limited and mostly painful. He was really a great guy, though, so the ladies were truly missing out. Hey, he was related to me, so what could be bad?

Memorial Day weekend had rolled around, and we were due some time off, so we opted to use the long weekend and some free vouchers from a satisfied client for a quick vacation down in Mexico. This afternoon, we were hanging out on the beach, working on our tans, or at least I was. Edward was wearing SPF 110 sunscreen, so I doubted his pasty whiteness was going to get any darker anytime soon. He'd said he wanted to nap while we lay out, so I'd convinced him, with great effort mind you, to go commando and discretely slip his shorts off while he napped, so just in case he did darken a bit, he wouldn't have any tan lines that would make his butt cheeks look like a pair of pasty pale honeydew melons. As long as you didn't show your junk on this beach, it was cool to toast your buns.

In Edward's infinite wisdom, he'd decided to use a couple of stupid sombreros he had bought off some kid selling them on the beach to cover his eyes, so his thick lenses wouldn't send lasers through his brain, and to cover his goods when he turned over. Considering we showered next to each other at the gym, I knew that, like me, my brother was seriously packing and had a lot to cover. He would have had the ladies swarming, despite his thick Coke-bottle-esque glasses, if they only knew what he had to offer. Yep, this was definitely an advertising opportunity. However, sitting here and staring at him now, I was convinced my brother truly was a dimwit and was blowing it. So to speak.

Edward obviously hadn't given this little exercise much thought. He had placed the large pointy hat over his face, and the small one over his junk. Talk about downplaying one's assets! Now, I suppose if he were only doing it to cover himself, the order worked fine. However, as the eleventh beach bunny walked by shaking her head and laughing, I couldn't help but sigh and palm my face. I was tempted to swap the hats for him, but yeah…no. Getting anywhere near another guy's junk wasn't going to happen, even a pathetic family member.

I couldn't resist anymore and flicked my ice cold water bottle at him, showering his midsection with frigid liquid. When the cold water hit his sun-warmed stomach, he rolled away quickly, sombreros flying, swearing at the top of his lungs at the inconsiderate jerk who had spilled their drink on him. What he didn't bargain for was rolling into the cute little brunette chick who had sat down next to him and had been eyeing him warily for the past twenty minutes. She was whiter than sugar on a powdered donut and looked to be about to wet herself when my naked brother rolled up against her, his free willy now looking for open water.

"What is your _problem_, Emmett!" he yelled at me when he saw me laughing around the mouth of my water bottle.

"Don't look now, Edward, but I think she's about to blow," I cackled just as the little brunette dumped her drink over his head, her cheeks bright pink with embarrassment at having my brother shove his bare backside into her leg, unintentionally of course. He pulled his glasses off and shook his head, trying to get the chocolate milk out of his hair. She quickly started packing up her stuff, while my naked brother just lay there dripping and gawking at her with his mouth hanging open. She stomped away, tugging her modest one-piece swimsuit out of the crack of her perfect little rear, as she stumbled her way back up the beach toward the parking lot. She glanced back at Edward and huffed, haughtily tossing her nose into the air as she went. What a snot!

Unfortunately for her, the little snob plowed right into a pole at the edge of a beach snow cone stand, knocking herself flat on her back, landing with a thud on the sand. She was out cold.

I had never seen my brother move so fast. He tossed his smeared glasses to me and was next to her in an instant, not seeming to remember that he was batter-up and two balls into a walk, or knowing his average, a strike-out.

_"Señor, esto no es una playa nudista! Vestirse inmediatamente o voy a llamar a la policía!"_ the guy in the stand yelled at Edward in Spanish.

"Dude, there's a chick here who's hit her head. What's wrong with you?" I yelled back at him. "Make yourself useful and call somebody for help!"

I finally got Edward to let go of the girl's hand and get his shorts back on before we were hauled in. All the while, the girls who had been laughing earlier now shamelessly ogled his impressive man-plow, not to mention a few of the guys. Yes, ladies, us Cullen men were gifted in more ways than one.

The little brunette was coming around and had started muttering something about Edward having an extraordinarily large market share in something or other, and then she started babbling about penetration pricing. If I didn't know better, I would have though she was talking about buying a hooker, but she was obviously spouting marketing terminology. She suddenly moaned, "Uhmm…great segment expansion strategy…" and I thought my brother would lose it, as his eyes popped wide, and he reached up, pushing her hair gently away from her face.

I got a closer look at her, and she looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place her. The emergency people quickly came down the beach and shuffled her into an ambulance, while I stood there holding on to my brother, watching them go. I could tell he wanted to go after them, but he was suddenly surrounded by more cleavage than a Hollywood plastic surgeon, all vying to get his attention.

"Holy crap, Edward, what was that all about?" I asked him over a redhead who was trying to push her boobs into his face.

"I don't know…she just…I don't know," he babbled, as he stood there dumbfounded.

By the way he'd reacted to her, I worried our Prince Charmless might believe he'd just met his dream girl in that Snoberella. I was glad she had been taken off, though. My brother deserved a nice girl, not some stuck-up little priss like her. Thankfully, she didn't leave behind a glass slipper, or anything else to help him find her again.


	2. Chapter 2

**SM owns all that is Twilight, I just like to make her characters do naughty things…**

**Chapter 2: ****Bella Swan's Views on Strategic Marketing to Your Target Audience**

**Strategic Marketing - **Optimum use of Advertising and product placement to reach the highest number of target audience members

**Target Audience **- The group of potential recipients determined by market research for whom advertising efforts will be customized to reach.

"_Smelly Belly, Smelly Belly, rolls of fat that shake like jelly!"_

I could hear them giggling, taunting me again. I sat straight up, grabbing my head. I hated that blasted dream, or rather memory. Kids were cruel little cretins, and they were especially cruel to fat kids. I should know. I had been said fat kid.

My head hurt, and I slowly opened my eyes to see I was in a hospital bed, a thin curtain surrounding where I lay. It took me a minute to remember where I was and how I had gotten here.

The beach…hot naked guy…pole…ouch.

Oh, yeah. Crap.

"…_Arado a la derecha en un poste, y luego bam, cayó justo en el culo!_" I heard a high-pitched female voice chattering in Spanish, followed by snickering. They were making fun of me for having hit my head and falling on my rear. Some nurses they were. Where was the compassion here? I was certain they had no idea I was fluent in Spanish and could understand every nasty thing they were saying. This would be fun.

"_Enfermera, ¿puedo tomar una taza de agua, por favor, y un poco de ayuda al baño?"_ I called out to them.

Silence.

That was what I thought.

The nurses came around the curtain, sheepish smiles on their faces. "You need toilet?" one asked me in broken English, while the other looked like she was trying to keep from giggling, as she was checking the bandage on my forehead.

"_Si, por favor_. Yes, please," I said nodding with a raised brow.

I sat up, apparently a little too quickly, because I swayed before plopping back down. How hard had I hit my head, anyway?

"_Cuidado, Señorita, vaya despacio,"_ the first nurse cautioned, helping me to sit up slower.

Once the room stopped spinning, she helped me to the bathroom, and I sat on the toilet, cursing myself for being so stupid. I had worked so hard to lose my clumsiness, along with my fat butt, and in a moment of idiocy, I had wiped away all traces of my efforts. Cute guys tended to tongue-tie me, though, and the one who had rolled into me on the beach was no exception. Having his junk in my face didn't help anything, either. But it wasn't like I hadn't seen it all before. I did grow up around boys who thought nothing of dropping their clothes at a moment's notice to go skinny dipping. The La Push guys made Mr. Sand Shovel's junk look like a toothpick. Still, there was just something about him…

I was finally released that evening, with instructions to stay out of the sun and rest for the next twenty-four hours, so that was what I did, albeit begrudgingly. I'd come to freaking Cancun to get some sun and sightsee, before I started my new position, and this was cutting into that. I hadn't been on a real vacation in years, since I'd gone with my parents to Florida, and that had been before I had started college. I was very much overdue.

I'd been stressed about my interview with one of the biggest advertising agencies in Dallas, so I'd brushed up on my interviewing skills and decided to polish myself up a bit, too. I'd gotten my pits, legs and brows waxed just so I felt confident, but I trimmed my girly bits myself. The thought of someone else down there ripping out my God-given clam fuzz was terrifying to me. Then I put on my red power suit with my black patent stilettos, held my shoulders back as I marched in there with purpose, and I'd aced it. I really looked forward to working with my new boss, too. He seemed very nice and funny, something I appreciated in an employer. He'd even encouraged me to take this trip before starting my job, saying I had earned a break before real life took hold, assuring me that his sons had done the same thing.

In fact, according to Mr. Cullen, they were supposed to have been here in Cancun somewhere. That would have been funny if I were to run into them, not that I would recognize them. But judging from how handsome their father was, I would have bet they were pretty hot, and nice. I would also bet they were nothing like those two yahoos on the beach. The big one was obviously full of himself, not to mention a mischief, and the naked one, well, he was cute, but what decent guy would lie out on a public beach in the nude, even with a stupid hat covering his package? That guy was obviously as bad as his buddy, probably a lot like the guys I had dated in college.

I hadn't dated at all during high school, because I would have had to actually been able to speak to a guy without fainting from nerves. I spent most of my time hiding in the library or helping my parents with my uncle. I'd gotten a little better in college and had been on a few dates, mostly blind ones with guys my best friend and roommate, Rosalie, had set me up with. They were mostly friends of whatever guy she had just started dating and didn't want to go out alone with yet. Unfortunately, those guys usually seemed to think that just because I was obviously "desperate" enough to go on a blind date, I would be desperate enough for a one-night stand, too. Not so much. Yeah, I was still clutching my V-card like a kid with a banana in a room full of monkeys. It was a good thing I had learned some self-defense moves, because a couple of them hadn't wanted to take get lost for an answer.

I actually was attracted to quiet, nerdy types like myself, but I hadn't found one yet who liked me back. I guess I intimidated them or something. Go figure. So as of now, I had a pretty low view of men in general. That guy on the beach was lucky I had just walked off, instead of relocating his junk to up between his eyeballs with my foot.

I spent my last day in Cancun trying to make up for lost time, taking in a tour of some Mayan ruins and sightseeing as much as possible, while trying not to get too bad of a sunburn on my sensitive, pale skin. Rose was going to be so jealous of the little bit of tan I had managed to acquire. She had wanted to come with me, but her boss from the underworld wouldn't let her off, even for the Memorial Day holiday, so she was stuck back in Dallas, working for Mr. McHandsy King. He thought he was royalty, and he was royal alright, a royal douchebag, and I had told Rose more than once that she needed to file sexual harassment charges against the guy. She refused, though, reminding me it would be her word against his, since the guy was smart enough to do his slimy deeds only when no one else was watching. I offered to help her bury the body whenever she got enough of him.

The flight home to Dallas wasn't long, and I made it back to the house Rose and I shared before midnight. I walked in to see Rose sprawled out on the couch in her pajamas, her top hiked up over one boob, her hand down her bottoms and drool dripping from her chin. Al Bundy would have been so proud. For half a second, I debated just covering her up with the couch throw and leaving her be.

Nah.

I whipped out my phone and snapped a few pictures, making sure to capture close-ups of the drool, boob flash and crotch grope. I was sure she wouldn't want me to miss those. Besides, what were friends for, if not to whip out such pictures at just the right moment? Trust me, she knew this all too well and had it coming in return.

I'd warned her that paybacks were hell.

The last flash, or my giggling, must have penetrated her subconscious enough to cause her to stir. Her eyes fluttered open to see me standing there with phone in hand. I snapped one more picture of her, before I took off running.

"Bella! I'm gonna kill you!" she shouted at me, before she lurched off the couch in hot pursuit.

"I warned you, Rose!" I squealed, as I skidded into my bedroom and slammed the door, locking it behind me. I only had a few seconds to scoot the dresser over before she picked the lock and would be on top of me. I quickly emailed myself the pictures, all while leaning as hard against my dresser as possible to delay her assault.

"I'm serious, Bella, you're dead meat when I get my hands on you! Erase those pictures!" she growled through the door, still trying to shove it open behind my dresser.

"Too late, Rosalita, they're safely stored on my Google Plus. Maybe if you're a good girl, I'll have them blown up for Sam."

It was suddenly quiet, and then I heard Rose's bedroom door slam. I waited a minute to make sure she wasn't faking me out, which she had been known to do. When I had determined she wasn't about to pull some ninja move on me and beat me senseless, I shoved my dresser over and peeked out my door. From down the hall, I could hear Rose crying. I made my way out of my room, stopping outside of hers.

"Rose?" I asked quietly through her door, but she didn't answer. "Rosie, are you okay?" I asked again, and her crying turned into sobs. "Hey, if it upsets you that much, I'll erase the pictures, promise."

Her door opened with a jerk, and she fell into my arms, loud sobs wracking her body.

"Hey, seriously, I'll erase them…"

"Sam's cheating on me with his secretary, Leah!" she wailed.

"What? Are you sure?" I asked, totally shocked.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure alright," she spat, wiping her snotty, tear-stained face on her pajama sleeve. "We were supposed to have a date tonight, but that never happened. I ran over to his office just before lunchtime, because I'd left my cell phone on his desk earlier. His secretary wasn't at her station, so I just walked into his office, and there he was, pounding into her as she bent over his desk, the phone still in her hand as she answered a call!"

"Oh, crap, Rose, that's horrible!"

"That's not the worst of it. Another woman came in right behind me and started screaming at him, too. Apparently, he has a wife. Her name is Emily, and she just always happened to be conveniently gone on business every time he asked me out. I had no idea, Bella. I feel so dirty. I'd never knowingly mess around with a married man!" She was still crying, but now she looked livid. "Men are such nasty dogs! I totally fell for his smooth-talking load of crap and good looks, but that's not happening ever again. I'll be hanged before I let another man make a fool out of me again. No more cocky jerks who think they're God's gift to women for me!"

"Damn straight, Sister. You're better than that. You deserve a man who's going to treat you like a princess, and then make you his queen."

Rose nodded, but then she started sobbing again. Given that I was due to start my period in a couple of days, I knew Rose was, too, which I was sure wasn't helping her mood right now. I pulled her to the kitchen and fished out a couple of pints of the only men we wanted anything to do with right now, Ben and Jerry. I usually tried to avoid doing this, because Ben was rather fond of my thighs, while Jerry was a total butt man, both of them good and rich, they satisfied me, and they were happy to be with me until I bid them a warm goodbye via the gym.

It was sad that this was more than I could say for the real men Rose and I had dated in our lives.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Edward Cullen's Views (or laments) on Failure to Transfer and Abandonment**

**Failure to Transfer - **Content requested by a browser can fail to transfer properly if the page is abandoned by the browser which requested it, or if the server is unable to send the complete page, including the ads (known as an error or a communications error).

**Abandonment** - When a user leaves a shopping cart with something in it prior to completing the transaction.

The rest of the time we spent in Cancun, I found myself stopping every petite brunette with long hair who crossed my path, almost earning myself a few black eyes, but Emmett kept telling people I had gotten too much sun and wasn't myself. He was right, but it had nothing to do with that big bright ball in the sky.

I couldn't get the face of the girl from the beach out of my head. I wanted to talk to her and apologize, but she'd been taken away so fast I hadn't even gotten her name. I felt responsible for her accident, even though Emmett constantly reminded me that I hadn't been the one to slam her head into that pole. And he made no bones about what he thought of her. He figured she was a snobby, frigid little princess who was self-centered, cold-hearted and had no sense of humor given the way she had tossed her nose in the air and stalked off. He might have been right, but there was just something about her…

The afternoon of Memorial Day, right before we left Mexico, Emmett dragged me onto a party boat for a bit of beach frivolity on _Isla de Mujeres._ I knew better than to go, knowing I had an important client coming in Tuesday morning, but Emmett had given me flack about my lack of caring whether I had enjoyed his brand of frivolity or not, so I'd caved. I should have listened to my conscience, though, and insisted he find his. It would have ended better, for me at least.

I'd been very careful the whole trip not to drink the water, but I'd forgotten one little detail. The ice was made from the same water. I had stuck to bottled water the whole time, with no ice, but it had been hotter than Hell itself that afternoon, so I'd caved and had ice in my water. Emmett was drinking the colorful spiked concoctions they were serving, which was something I didn't do, and he had been taught better, too. He kept giving me the thumbs down, probably because I kept refusing them, but the music was so loud, I had no idea what he had been shouting to me. I had let my guard down, which was just plain stupid on my part.

I learned the hard way that Montezuma was one vengeful SOB, let me tell you.

I'd felt off when I'd gotten home in the wee hours of the morning Tuesday, like I had a fever, but thought nothing of it, thinking I was just dehydrated and feeling the effects of the sunburn I'd gotten and too little sleep. I cursed Emmett and his pleading Puss-in-Boots eyes. I slept for a couple of hours, and then I got up and dressed for my meeting, making it in to work late, feeling exponentially worse by the minute.

Unfortunately, I had to make a mad dash for the men's room, before I had even gotten into my office. I was hit with a double whammy of nausea and diarrhea, the likes of which I had never before encountered. It was uncontrollable, and I suddenly found myself standing there in a very ruined, and very smelly, five-hundred-dollar suit. I didn't usually wear a suit to work, but this client warranted it, and now I would have to throw this one away.

I wasn't sure what to do, so I pulled out my cell phone and called my dad.

"Edward, where are you? The meeting with Volturi Pharmaceuticals started five minutes ago," he said in a rush. Dang it, I couldn't go in there like this, and Aristotle Volturi was an exacting jerk who wouldn't give a crap what was going on around him, so long as he was the one being catered to.

"I'm in the men's room, Dad, and I'm sick. I've had an accident, and I need some clean clothes, but I can't leave the men's room in my current condition."

It sounded like he covered the phone, and I heard some muffled voices, before he came back on the line. "I'm sending my new assistant to help you. What do you need?"

"Underwear, slacks and…" I looked at the condition of the back of my dress shirt, "a clean shirt," I moaned, as another wave hit me. I tried to aim for the toilet, really I did, but my shoes took the brunt of most of it.

"Son, are you alright?" I heard my dad's voice from my phone on the back of the toilet. I pulled my glasses off, since they were spattered with vomit, laying them on the back of the toilet as well, as I managed to flush, but I was starting to feel really bad, dizzy even, and I had to hold on to the handicap rails.

"I don't think so, Dad. I'll need a change of everything. What I have on is a lost cause," I moaned, wiping my mouth on my ruined suit coat sleeve.

"Hang on, Son. Someone is coming. I'd come myself, but you know how Aristotle is. I have to stay here and make sure he doesn't can the whole account in a tirade, and Emmett is out meeting a client."

Apparently, my fever was higher than I realized, because I stumbled out of the stall and kicked off my shoes, thinking nothing of stripping out of my soiled clothing in the middle of the men's room, leaving them lying there in a smelly heap. Thankfully, I knew the door code to the executive section of the washroom and let myself in, starting the shower. I got the diarrhea and puke rinsed off of me, but another wave hit me while I was in the shower, and I was loudly spewing from both ends simultaneously. I felt like I was going to die.

"Hello?" I heard a small voice from the main part of the men's room call out. "Whew, it stinks in here," they muttered. Another wave of projectile vomiting and diarrhea hit, and I guessed the sound of my retching must have alerted them to where I was. I was shaking uncontrollably now, barely able to stand up long enough to rinse the last bout off of my body. This was the most horrible thing I think I had ever endured.

At this point, I was pretty far gone. My fever had jumped, and I could have sworn I was seeing things, as I stumbled out of the shower stall, my eyes landing on a pair of high heels.

"Oh, man, you look like death warmed over!" the wearer of said heels declared. Right about that time, another wave hit me. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to turn in time, and she caught the brunt of it, all down the front of her pretty red dress. Of course, my humiliation wouldn't have been complete without me crapping on myself, too, which I did. I didn't know my body could expel its contents so forcefully and uncontrollably.

"I'm so sorry…" I started, but hit her again with another blast. I felt like the fat guy at the restaurant from that scene in Monty Python's _Meaning of Life._ I really did want to die now.

"Good grief!" she groaned, holding her dress away from her body. Then she started gagging, too. She was lucky enough to make it to the toilet, though, before she threw up. If I hadn't been so sick, I was sure I would have appreciated the sight of her round bottom sticking up like that more, but as it was, I was just trying to cover my junk while standing there shivering in a puddle of my own diarrhea.

The girl flushed, turning back to me. "Sorry, I'm a sympathy puker. The smell gets me every time." She kicked off her puke-splattered heels then proceeded to unbutton her dress and pulled it off. She grabbed a towel and dropped it in the puddle of sludge at my feet, before stepping around me and into the shower to rinse my mess off of her. "Thank goodness this thing is washable," she muttered, holding her ruined dress under the spray. She stood there in the shower in the prettiest pair of red lace panties and matching bra I had ever seen, not that I had ever seen anything like that in person, and despite my condition, my body responded. I was completely mortified and embarrassed, but being naked, there wasn't much I could do to hide it given my size.

"Seriously?" she said noticing my predicament.

"I'm sorry," I managed, before another wave hit me. She just pulled me into the shower with her, still spewing at both ends, and held me up, because I was on the verge of collapsing. This girl had some serious mettle.

"I'm so sorry," I belched, fighting back another heave.

"Don't worry about it. I've taken care of sick, naked men before."

I didn't like hearing that for some reason.

"I'm sure none of them ever crapped on you before, though," I moaned, feeling another round coming. Sure enough, I doubled over, as the next wave hit, simultaneously covering her belly, crotch and legs as well as the wall behind me.

"Holy…you've got one heck of a bad bug," she choked out, before removing her ruined lingerie. She was as naked as I was, but I was too sick and in pain to appreciate it now, my erection having long since deflated.

"Cancun," was all I could get out, the last round of puking having scratched my throat really badly.

"Ah yes, Montezuma's curse. You should've stuck to…" she trailed off, looking at me closer, "You look really familiar," she said suspiciously.

I had yet to actually look at this girl's face, and when I finally did, my eyes widened. Of course, at that moment, I gagged again, hitting her square in the chest, diarrhea running down my legs at the same time.

"Beach…" I croaked.

"_Dos sombreros_," she muttered, shaking her head.

About that moment, my fever took over any sense of coherent thought, and I collapsed onto the bench seat in the shower, feeling myself tilting forward. The last thing I remembered was face-planting between a pair of wet, puke-covered breasts, thinking how this was just my freaking rotten luck.

I woke up sometime around noon on the fold-down futon in my office. Someone had set it up for me with the bedding I kept here for those nights when I was working a marathon session to meet a deadline. I looked under the covers to see that I was dressed in a wife beater, instead of the dress shirt I knew I had worn into the office. A wet cloth was lying over my forehead, and a bottle of Gatorade and a bucket were next to me on the floor. What puzzled me most was the fact that I was wearing a pair of Depends. The idea that someone had diapered me like a baby made my stomach roll even worse.

My office door opened slowly, and I looked up to see Emmett's head poking around it, followed by my father.

"Dude, you scared the crap out of us," he said, then busted out laughing. "Actually, the crap was coming out of you. Dang, Bro, I haven't seen anything like that since we visited Old Faithful when we were kids," he cackled. My father was only smiling, but I could tell he wanted to laugh, too. At least he loved me enough to pretend to be sensitive.

"How on earth are you not doing the same?" I groaned, still feeling like I could puke up my toenails any minute.

"Alcohol, little brother, good and strong, with no ice. You forgot the fundamentals of south-of-the-border partying and partook of the Frozen Death on the island. However, when Dad and I found you two, I have to say, I kind of wished I'd joined you in a bit of gut grinding. That hot new assistant of dad's looked like she gave a mean sponge bath, and in the buff no less. She's a petite thing, but dang is she curvy in all the right places. She had you shampooed and was scrubbing your butt by the time we got rid of Aro and came to find you."

"She was naked," I remembered out loud.

"I know, right? She didn't even bat an eyelash, as she helped us get you out of the shower and dressed, either. Her plushy love pillows were swinging like ripe coconuts in the breeze the whole time," Emmett grinned lasciviously. "She's all-natural, too, although it looked like she owns a good pair of hedge trimmers, nice and neat, just the way bushes should be kept." Our dad elbowed him, scowling at his crudeness.

"It's her," I rasped.

"Her who?" my dad asked. I hadn't gotten a chance to tell him the story of our encounter on the beach. Before I could, though, the nausea hit me again, and I grabbed the bucket, hurling mostly yellow watery stuff at this point, as I hadn't eaten anything in a while. The force of it caused the other end to go off loudly, too, leaving me with the equivalent of a dirty diaper.

"Dude, that's nasty!" Emmett grabbed his nose, waving his hand in front of his face. "Should I call Mom to come change you?"

"Shut it, Emmett," I groaned, trying to get up. Just then, the girl from the bathroom walked in. She was wearing a mismatched outfit that looked like she'd borrowed it in pieces from others in the office. It appeared no one had had a spare bra, though, or an extra pair of shoes, since she was barefoot. She had another pair of Depends in her hand.

"Mrs. Cope from research sent you another pair. You're lucky she's so generous and forthcoming about her incontinence, else you'd be up shit creek," she said with a straight face.

Emmett, however, lost it. "This girl is hysterical, Bro!"

My mom did show up about twenty minutes later and came into my office with my father, bringing me a change of clothes and offered to take me home.

"I thought you had a doctor's appointment in an hour, darling?" my father asked her concerned.

"I do, but I can cancel it. My baby boy comes first," she smiled.

"No, Esme, you need to go get that lump checked. You've been putting it off for a week," my father frowned. "I'll get Emmett to take him home."

My mother started to argue, but my dad insisted. "Sweetheart, putting it off won't make it go away. I'll go with you if I need to," he said firmly.

My mother nodded, and my father called Emmett to come get me. He walked in a few minutes later, my father's new assistant right behind him.

"You ready, Bro? I'm dropping Bella off, too, so she can change, since she rides the bus. Looks like we're neighbors," he grinned.

I had recently bought a new house as an investment to help shelter some of my income, and Emmett was sharing it with me until he could find a place he liked to buy for himself. I was looking forward to that happening soon, since my brother was a slob, not to mention he kept bringing nasty girls into my home who were mostly screamers that kept me up all night and then hogged all the hot water the next morning.

"Bella, you've had one heck of an orientation today. Why don't you go ahead and call it day, I can get Jennifer from the art department to come up if I need anything," my dad said to the girl, and she nodded, glancing over at me.

I was still really woozy from fever, so I was propped up between Bella and Emmett, as we made our way to his car.

"You're still wearing that diaper, right?" Emmett asked warily. "I don't want to have to have my car detailed again so soon. That crap costs a bundle, and I don't think I could get that stench out anytime soon."

"It's not a _diaper_, dimwit, but yes, your precious upholstery is safe," I griped, embarrassed. Mom had forgotten to grab underwear for me, so I was stuck wearing the blasted diaper unless I'd wanted to go commando, and right now, that was probably a very bad idea.

I lay down in the backseat, as Emmett and Bella got into the front. Every now and then, I could see Bella glancing back at me, a worried look on her face. When we pulled up to our house, Bella hopped out and came to the back door, helping me out.

"Here, shorty, go open the door," Emmett said, handing Bella his keys. She looked at him with her brows scrunched; scowling that he had insulted her petite stature, but she took off to unlock the side door. "Come on, Krakatoa, let's get your erupting volcano butt to bed," Emmett snickered. "Get it…crack, volcano? Ha, I kill myself sometimes," he cackled, as he wrapped his arm around me to help me inside.

"Sounds like a plan to me," I grumbled. If I hadn't felt so bad and so completely weak, I would have gut-checked him with my elbow, hard. He helped me into the master bedroom, settling me on the side of my king-sized bed. I fell back into the plush new mattress, glad I had splurged for a good set. The room was so big that I'd decided to get a king, because anything smaller would have looked funny in here.

"I have to get back to the office. I have a dinner meeting I need to grab some files for that I can't miss. You need anything before I split, Bro?" Emmett asked.

"Where's Bella?"

"She ran over to her house. She said she lives two doors over on the other side of the cul-de-sac with a roommate. Pretty cool, huh?" Emmett waggled his brows at me.

"Sure, whatever," I groaned, the nausea returning with a vengeance. I wasn't feeling much enthusiasm for anything right now but a toilet.

"Here, Dad gave me her cell number. If you need anything, call her. I doubt she'd mind coming over," he said, programming Bella's number into my phone before tossing it onto the bed. "I've gotta book it or I'm going to be late. Later, Bro," Emmett said as he hurried out of my room. I heard the side door slam a few seconds later, and I was finally alone.

I dragged myself into the bathroom, turning on the shower. I was just heaving bile now; sure I had expelled any and everything that wasn't permanently attached to something in my body. I managed to wash myself again, feeling slightly fresher than I had, and pulled on some real boxer briefs instead of those horrid diapers. If I shat myself, so be it, but I was done with having a Huggies butt.

I made it back to my bed and climbed under the covers, shivering my butt off. I knew my fever was still pretty high, but I figured there was no sense in taking anything, as it would probably just end up on the floor as fast as I could swallow it.

I drifted in and out of consciousness, and I could have sworn I felt a cool cloth coming and going over my forehead. I could also smell something sweet, like cinnamon rolls, in the room with me. I was probably just hungry and hallucinating because of the fever, but I didn't have the strength to get up anymore. However, as soon as I got over this crap, I was going to find the biggest cinnamon roll I could get my hands on and bury my face in it, tongue first.

**NOTE FROM DOLLBIGMOMMA: Just FYI, I've been to Cancun twice, and the first time, nothing happened. I was careful and drank only bottled water. The second time, however, is what Edward's ordeal is based on. When I get to the other side of the veil, I'm hunting down Montezuma and kicking his butt, just on general principals, because he sure as heck kicked mine! **

**I also wanted to rec a few stories/authors. Please go have a look and leave them some reviews. Their stuff is really good but terribly under-reviewed!**

_**Stealing Home**_ by redkat97 is an awesome read. The story is complete. The story spans over a ten-year timeframe from when they meet as teens (him 15, her almost 17) when Edward and Emmett's dad move them to be nearer to their grandfather after their mother dies of cancer. Both have trust and abandonment issues, but can they overcome them to find each other again?

_**Supernatural Hunters in Training (S.H.I.T.)**_ by meeky311 is complete. This story is so funny it should come with a no-drinking-while-reading warning. It's very tongue-in-cheek, among other places, while the dynamic duo deal with horny haints and possessing perverts. Emmett is in rare form throughout. It's the Rated-M convergence of _Ghostbusters, Supernatural _and_ Scooby Doo_. Zoinks and Jenkies!

_**Paladin,**_ also by meeky311, is a WIP. Bella is a "superhero" of sorts, stalking the seedy streets of Seattle after dark, saving innocents from the scum found there. She's known as the Coffee Vigilante, because all her rescued vics claim she smells like coffee. Edward Cullen is the SPD detective determined to find out who she is, using a secret weapon of his own. Very good story so far!

And last but not least, anything you want to read by **Savannavansmutsmut **will blow your socks off. I've been her beta for years and am constantly in awe of her writing skills and imagination. My favorites of hers are **Irrevocable Abduction** and **Better Than Pie** for humor, **Curious Girl** for mind bending fun, and **Straight Up Interference** and **The Phantom's Scars** for a bit of angst but sweetness. Everything she's written is worth a read!


	4. Chapter 4

**This chapter is brought to you from chilly Houston, where I'm holed up with Savannavansmutsmut for a visit. She jumped in and helped me with a large portion of this chapter. Make sure and go check out her stories. You can't go wrong with anything she writes.**

**Chapter 4: Bella Swan's Views on Geotargeting and Gross Exposures**

**Geotargeting- **Displaying (or preventing the display of) content based on automated or assumed knowledge of an end user's position in the real world.

**Gross exposures - **the total number of times an ad is served, including duplicate downloaded exposures to the same person.

I called Rose once I got into the house, letting her know what had happened my first day at work. She took the rest of the afternoon off, we went straight to a KIA dealership, and I bought myself a new car. I hated not being able to get around how and when I wanted to. I didn't mind the bus, but I needed my own ride. I was just glad to have a new job and excellent credit, so I had no problem getting a good deal.

I spent that evening checking in on Edward, letting myself in and out of the Cullen brothers' house using the spare key Emmett had given me. Poor Edward, he'd had a hard time that evening, his fever keeping him somewhat delirious. More than once, he leaned into me and sniffed, mumbling about cinnamon rolls and wanting to lick his fingers. Weird guy, but he had good taste in houses.

Theirs was a beautiful home, definitely more than your typical bachelors would need, but then so was Rose's house for two bachelorettes, so I had no room to talk. Actually, Rose's house had been a gift from her parents when she'd graduated law school, in hopes that she'd get married to a respectable man and give them a ton of grandkids to fill all the bedrooms.

I didn't see Rose doing that, though. The very idea of dirty diapers and a baby spitting up on her made her cringe. In all the years I'd known her, anytime I'd seen someone try to let her hold their babies, she'd back away, shaking her head. Case in point, the Whitlock's next door. They had an adorable little boy named Henry, who was about five months old. When we had first moved in here, they'd come over to welcome us to the neighborhood. Alice was sweet and very friendly, and she'd tried to let Rose hold Henry. You'd have thought Rose was a rabbit being poke with a stick given how fast she had backed up.

I took the baby instead, and of course, he immediately spit up on me, just as his butt gave way, causing his Huggies to overflow, covering me in diaper gravy.

"See! That's why I don't do babies," Rose scowled.

I took it all in stride, as this was nothing new for me. I was used to dealing with the messier aspects of human bodily functions. Up until a few months ago, I had lived at home with my parents and my dad's fraternal twin brother, my Uncle Chester. Uncle Chester had had colon cancer, which, after his surgery, had required him to wear a colostomy bag. That thing was always coming detached, overflowing or rupturing, requiring some serious clothespin-on-the-nose-while-using-rubber-gloves attention. He was also bedridden due to the chemo and loss of his strength, so I helped my parents bathe and care for him every day until he passed. It was a humbling experience, but one I wouldn't have traded for anything, as I loved my uncle and had learned so much from him during the time I'd helped care for him. His last night before he passed, he had given me some very sage advice.

"Baby Belle, there'll come a day when young men will finally start to catch your attention," he smiled, knowing my history of avoiding guys. "They might be handsome, charming and simply sweep you off your feet. But I'm telling you, get to know what's underneath all the bravado and tail-feather fluffing, before you do anything you'll regret. Learn the truth about who they are, before you give your heart or your virtue away."

His advice had served me well. I had learned to spot posers who would have liked nothing better than to have me believing they were what they portrayed…smooth, sweet-talking Romeos who worshipped the ground I walked on, when in reality, they only wanted a quick lay, preferably with breakfast served to them in bed, and then to leave without my phone number. I had honed my bullshit detector pretty sharply, having kept his advice in the back of my mind, although sometimes I worried if it was malfunctioning now and was just stuck on "creep alert" all the time these days.

I was walking over to the Cullen brothers' house after work on Wednesday to check on Edward, when Emmett pulled up in the driveway.

"Hey, Bella, this heat agrees with you," Emmett grinned, waggling his brows at me, as he took in the lightweight cotton dress I had on that hugged my bust area a little bit. Granted, it was thinner than I normally wore, but i was still covered, and it was hot and humid now. We were in Dallas after all, and it was almost June. "You ready to check on the sicko?"

"Gotta love that brotherly care and concern there, Emmett."

We got inside and could hear Edward retching from upstairs. I was starting to get worried about him. This seemed excessive for a just bad case of traveler's crud.

When I got into his room, Edward was lying across the foot of his bed totally naked. The sheets on his bed looked like he'd been unable to get up in time to make it to the bathroom, maybe more than once.

"Emmett! Get in here!" I yelled for him, as I covered Edward with the duvet.

Emmett came immediately, running into the room. "What's the…oh, crap. Bro, you okay, man?" Emmett asked concerned.

"I think it's time to get him to a doctor. It doesn't seem to be letting up. He's got to be horribly dehydrated."

"Yeah, okay, how do we do that? Should I call an ambulance?" Emmett asked.

Edward was weak, but found the strength to shake his head no.

"Edward, look at me." I got down so I could be eye to eye. "You have to go to the hospital. You need an IV bag and something to stop your body from revolting against itself."

"No ambulance," he mumbled through a putrid gasp.

"Alright, that's fine. Emmett and I can get you there. Let's try and clean you up and get you dressed." I worried when he didn't answer me, but just rested his head on the bed. I ran my fingers through his hair, trying to not only soothe him, but myself as well.

"Emmett, why don't you see if you can help him stand? We need to see if we have to put a chair in the shower for him."

Edward was positively limp. He made no move to hang on to Emmett. It was really starting to scare me. I ran to his kitchen and grabbed a chair, running back to put it in the shower. I then turned on the water, making sure the spray felt only barely lukewarm. His fever had been running rampant, and we needed to start cooling him down. "I'm ready for him," I called to Emmett and started stripping down. His shower was good sized, but there was no way Emmett, Edward and the chair could have fit in it all at once. It was going to be a tight fit with Edward and me in it.

"Dang, Bro, you are one lucky man. I'd say I'd like to trade places with you, but I'm thinking maybe not." Emmett carefully settled his brother in the chair, and I quickly moved in to keep Edward from falling over.

"Hand me the soap and a washrag." I looked over at Emmett, half expecting to see him gawking at me, but he wasn't. He fetched the items I requested and focused on his brother with worried eyes. He ended up reaching a hand into the shower and holding Edward steady, while I quickly worked to clean the dried vomit and diarrhea off of him.

"I think he's finished in here. Can you go get him some clothes? I can hold him for a moment," I said stepping between Edward's legs.

I knew I was putting myself in a precarious place. He'd been spewing vomit like mad, but I was sure he was too weak to lose anymore.

His head rested between my breasts, while I stroked his hair. I almost didn't hear his whimpering over the sound of the water. I stepped back, sure I was in for another round of dodge puke, but that wasn't the case. Edward had tears running down his face. I couldn't blame him. I'd be a crying mess if I was as sick as he was, being bathed by a virtual stranger.

"I got the clothes ready," Emmett came tramping in holding a towel out. I reached back and shut off the water. He handed me the towel, and I helped him get a hold of his brother and wrap him up. He took him into the bedroom and set him in the reading chair in the corner. It was the only thing that wasn't covered in bodily fluids. On the floor next to it was a stack of clothing for him.

"Can you handle this? I'd like to get dried off and dressed myself."

"Yeah, I got him," the solemn sound of Emmett's voice didn't soothe my nerves any.

I dressed quickly, after using a hand towel to dry off, because I couldn't find another clean towel. By the looks of things, Edward had used all of his. Emmett finished tying up Edward's shoes as I walked in, and he hefted him up into his arms. "Come on, little bro, we're going for a ride." I hurried ahead of him, making sure the doors were all open.

I shut the car door and stepped back. "Are you coming?" Emmett asked me.

"No, I'm not family, and I don't know his medical history, so I can't help you there, but there are a few things that need to be done here. Keep me posted though, please."

"Sure thing, and thanks, Bella, you're actually pretty awesome," Emmett said waving goodbye. I watched until they disappeared around the corner and turned back to his house. I really had my work cut out for me in there.

I was putting the next load of linens in the dryer when Emmett called me from the hospital. "He's been admitted, and they've got him hooked up to an IV. The ER doc said he's severely dehydrated and has an intestinal bacterial infection. Can you call my dad and let him know what's going on? I'm in an area where I can't use my phone, and I don't want to leave him in there by himself," Emmett said in a whisper.

"Sure, no problem, Emmett. Is there a girlfriend or anyone like that I should call?" I wondered.

Emmett laughed out loud then. "I wish, but no, he's not seeing anyone." That surprised me, given how good looking of a guy Edward was.

I hung up from Emmett and called Carlisle, who was about to head out to dinner with his wife. "Thank you so much for being there for our son, Bella. You've definitely gone above and beyond the call of duty for us."

"Hey, it's no problem. Turns out we're actually neighbors, so it's not been any inconvenience. I just hope he gets better soon." I could hear Edward's mother in the background sounding very worried and insisting they head to the hospital first. I was glad to see Edward had a loving and concerned family.

I also called Rose to let her know where I was, and she offered to stop and bring dinner. "I've been craving Taco Bell today, sound good?" she asked in a teasing tone.

"Ugh, Rose, not even a little bit. Given what I've been cleaning up this evening, anything reminding me of Mexico is a no go," I groaned.

Rose laughed at me. "Okay, subs it is. See you in thirty."

"Hey, Rose, can you pick up an extra one for Edward's brother? I don't know what time he'll be back, but I'll bet he'll be hungry, and the only thing they have in their fridge is soda and Tabasco sauce."

"Sounds like typical bachelors," she laughed.

Rose and I were folding the last of the towels, when Emmett came back. "Well, looky here. I can see why polygamy is so popular. Two hot chicks doing laundry is-"

"Excuse me?" Rose cut in. "Who do you think you are? And what kind of moronic Neanderthal remark is that? Polygamy has never been popular-"

"It-"

"Emmett, do me a favor and just say sorry and thank you for helping out with the laundry. Nothing else will end well for you, and I really don't want to have to take your body to the hospital, too."

He looked from me to Rose, who had her hands on her hips, a fiery look on her face and steam coming out of her ears. "Thank you, and I'm sorry you don't like polygamy."

"You're sorry I don't like polygamy?" Rose asked in that voice that always made me take a step back.

"I…ah…yeah?" I think it finally settled into Emmett's head that he was in trouble.

"Judging by the amount of gay porn on your laptop, I wouldn't think you were a good Mormon boy."

"Gay-what? You were on my laptop?" he freaked out, but then he looked like he thought better of it. "I don't keep my gay porn, I mean any porn, on my laptop. It's against the firm's rules."

"Oh, excuse me, I misspoke. I meant tablet." She picked up what I thought was her tablet, but it must not have been, because Emmett's eyes bugged out of his head. "It looks like you have a granny fetish, too. That's a little disturbing." She held up the tablet, and there was what looked like a woman in her nineties in a string bikini.

"What were you doing with my tablet?" Emmett screeched.

"Looking up the best way to get vomit out of the carpet," she countered with steely eyes. "Shall I leave you to deal with it?"

"Say thank you, Emmett," I coached again.

"Thank you, for looking at my porn and cleaning my carpet."

"Anytime," she answered, responding with a lot less fire than I would have expected. Well, that was interesting.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Edward Cullen's Views on Aided Recall and Clutter **

**Aided recall - **A research method frequently used to determine what consumers remember about an advertisement they have seen or heard.

**Clutter - **When an advertisement is surrounded by other ads, thereby forcing it to compete for the viewer's or listener's attention.

Ugh, something smelled rotten, and it took me a minute to realize it was my tongue. Smacking my mouth, I woke up slowly from a really weird dream, bleary-eyed and my mouth tasting like I had been licking the toilet in Emmett's bathroom. Nasty.

I heard snickering and blinked my eyes open the rest of the way, only to see the fuzzy figure of a little blonde in hospital scrubs staring at my middle. I really needed my glasses. I realized then my hand was on my groin, and I was holding my usual morning erection. I would have been embarrassed, but my first thought was, why the heck was I in a hospital?

"Good morning, Mr. Cullen, I see you're…um…up," the nurse grinned at me. "I'm Jane, your day nurse. Do you remember being brought in?" she asked me, as she checked my blood pressure.

"No, how long have I been here?" I asked, discretely moving my hand and trying to will down my embarrassing situation under the blanket.

"Two days, Mr. Cullen. You're looking a little better now, though. I'll go let your doctor know you're awake," she smiled, checking out the involuntary problem I was still trying to will down, embarrassing me all the more. Just then, my mom came hurrying into the room. That did it.

"Oh, Edward, we've been so worried about you!" my mom fussed over me, informing me my dad was parking the car. "You've been really sick, honey. Are you feeling any better?"

"I guess, what happened?" I asked. The last thing I clearly remembered was getting on the plane heading back from Cancun.

"You picked up a terrible bacterial infection down in Mexico, sweetheart. The new janitor at your office nearly quit, when he went into the men's room to clean up after you. If you're father hadn't offered him a bonus, I think Arturo would have quit on the spot," she shook her head.

I tried to remember even going into the office, but I was drawing a blank. My father came in at that point as well, and he filled me in on what all I had missed, including the meeting with Aristotle Volturi.

"We managed to appease him somewhat by offering him a deal on some research work, so he's satisfied for the moment. It was touch and go there for a while, and he tried to negotiate a date for his son with my new assistant, but I managed to get him to see reason with that. However, I suspect when he comes back in on Monday to go over the research parameters, his son, Marcus, will be with him. Apparently, Bella left quite the impression."

"Bella?"

"You don't remember her?" my father asked, just as my brother walked into the room.

"I remember you saying you were replacing Heidi, but I haven't met this Bella yet," I mumbled.

"Oh, you've met her alright," Emmett smirked. "In fact, she got to know you quite _intimately_ before I brought you in here," he laughed. I had no idea what he was talking about, and I didn't have a chance to ask him, because the doctor came in at that moment as well.

"Glad to see you're awake, Mr. Cullen. I'm Dr. Jim Hunter. You've had a pretty rough few days." He went on to explain that the intestinal infection I'd picked up was one of the less common ones, and it had caused some pretty nasty things to happen to my innards. Apparently, Montezuma wasn't only out for revenge, he was out for blood. The doctor recommended I stay one more night, just to make sure I could keep something in now. He left shortly after that, sending an orderly in a few minutes later carrying a tray with some broth, jello and juice on it.

"Do you need help, dear?" my mom asked, and Emmett snickered. What the heck was his problem?

"I've got it, Mom," I said and reached for the spoon. I tried to get a spoonful of the broth to my mouth, but dropped it before I could. Crap, I was weak. Mom grabbed it and began feeding me like a baby. It was kind of humiliating, but I didn't have much choice at the moment. Emmett continued to snicker at me. If I could have raised my hand, I would have punched him.

Mom managed to help me get a few bites of Jello-O down and drink most of the juice, and all the while, Emmett continued grinning madly at me. Once mom finally left, he pounced.

"Dude, I can't believe you don't remember having your face buried between those lusciously perfect double-D's! Twice! Both times with the two of you in the shower, butt naked! I guess you puking and barfing on her did kind of take some of the allure off the situation, but still…"

"What ion earth are you talking about, Emmett?" I didn't feel like dealing with his teasing, sick sense of humor right now. No woman would ever get into a shower with me willingly.

"Bella, dad's new assistant, she took care of you when you first got sick. Dad couldn't leave the meeting with Volturi, so he sent her. She just stepped right in and did it, too, including bathing your spewing rear in the nude I might add. That girl is built like a brick outhouse, man. That granny suit she had on in Cancun totally hid her assets. That's really the bizarre part. It's _her_, Bro; Bella's the pole girl from the beach! Crazy coincidence, right? I thought I'd recognized her in Cancun. I'd caught a glimpse of her the day she interviewed with dad. I think I might've been wrong about her being a cold-hearted, stuck-up priss, too. She doesn't seem to be all that bad, actually. She had mettle enough to deal with you puking and crapping on her, twice, and she didn't even bat an eye."

This was all news to me. I must have been sicker than I'd ever been in my life, especially if I had no recollection of the past three days.

"Anyway, the even crazier thing is she's our neighbor, two doors over from us on the same cul-de-sac. She lives in that huge colonial with her best friend, Rose, who I met the night I brought you in here. She's a real hellcat. I'd bet she keeps her man on a real short leash, poor bastard. She actually made my balls shrink with just a glare. Scary."

Emmett stayed a few more minutes, but had to leave for a meeting with a new client. I settled back, ready to fall asleep again, but I guess I was getting hungry for some real food, because as I was drifting off, the last thought on my mind was chocolate and cinnamon rolls.

When I awoke again, it looked to be getting dark outside, making it pretty dark in my room. I heard a voice coming from someone sitting on the chair in the corner. "You're awake."

I wished at that point I knew where my glasses were.

"They're right here. I brought them up, since I figured you might need them," the person, a girl, said softly, coming closer. I hadn't realized I'd said that out loud. I felt her slip my glasses on my face. "Hello, Edward," she said, her voice sounding so pretty. The lighting in the room was really dim, so I still couldn't see her clearly.

"Hi…" I said shyly, hoping she'd fill in her name.

"It's Bella," she said, adjusting the dimmer on the light switch, and suddenly, I could see her face. "We've met before…actually, a few times, but I heard from your dad that you don't remember."

I shook my head no, and she smiled. This girl was gorgeous, and gorgeous women left me tongue-tied. She leaned a little closer, and I got a good look at her.

"Beach girl," I muttered. "It _is_ you."

"_Hola, senior dos sombreros,"_ she grinned back at me. "For someone I've never been formally introduced to, I've seen a _lot_ of you."

"So I've heard," I blushed hotly.

"Don't worry about it, Edward. By the way, what possessed you to lie out on that beach with just those two hats on, anyway?" she asked, and I got the feeling she was teasing me a little bit. I wanted to pull the covers up over my head and hide in my embarrassment, but her kind eyes had me relaxing, feeling like she wasn't really judging me.

"Um, Emmett said my butt would look like a pair of honeydew melons if I kept my swim trunks on. I guess I shouldn't have listened to him."

"Am I correct in my assumption that your brother has a serious mischievous streak and is a bit of a player?"

"That would be a fair assessment," I agreed.

"I thought as much," she laughed. She pulled the tray table closer to the bed, and I saw they had brought me more of the same stuff I'd eaten earlier, plus some mashed potatoes. "They really go all out here on the gourmet meals, huh?" she smiled.

"Well, at least this stuff won't come out in chunks if I can't keep it in," I groaned.

She scrunched up her nose. "If you're trying to work an angle to get me to bathe you again, they have nurses here for that."

"Oh, geez, I'm so sorry. Emmett told me what you dealt with taking care of me. I can't believe you'd be so kind to me. Thank you doesn't seem enough to say…"

"Again, Edward, don't worry about it," she smiled.

I was glad to see I had enough strength to actually feed myself now and managed to eat and drink everything on my tray. The whole time I was eating and chatting with Bella, there was a steady stream of nurses coming in for one thing or another. I got my pillow plumped by one, my covers checked by another, asked if I needed more water in my pitcher by yet another, plus all the ones doing their regular jobs of checking my vitals.

"Man, this is a great hospital. They seem really attentive to their patients," I observed out loud.

"Um, actually, that would be _patient_. I overheard a gaggle of them giggling over you in the hallway as I was coming in. Seems you're quite the attraction on this floor," Bella smirked. "I actually got the evil eye from a couple of them, when I came in here."

"Oh, I'm sure they're just doing their jobs. There's no reason they'd fuss like that over a nerd like me."

"Nerd? What are you talking about?"

"Oh, um, I guess you've never seen me in my usual daily attire," I said quietly.

"What does that have to do with anything?" she asked, but was cut off by the next helpful nurse coming in.

"Hi, Mr. Cullen, do you need anything else?" she asked taking my tray. The smile she wore was huge.

"No, thank you. I'm good. Actually, I'd like to take a shower. Could I get some towels?"

"Oh, sure! Are you certain you're up to getting out of bed, though? I'd be more than happy to give you a sponge bath," the nurse said with wide eyes and a glowing smile.

"Just get the man the towels, hot lips," Bella snapped at her. "If he needs any help, I'll be here." Wow, Bella sounded…mad.

The nurse scuttled out, and I looked at Bella confused. "I thought you said they had nurses for…"

"Nurses, not perverts. You'd be highly in danger of molestation from this lot," she grumbled.

I still had a catheter in, and Bella stepped out while my head nurse, an older woman named Peggy, removed it. Holy crap that thing hurt. I didn't think my manhood would ever be the same again.

Once that was done, Bella came back in and helped me sit up on the edge of the bed, and I felt a little lightheaded. I guess not eating for a few days and being sick had really weakened me.

I managed to make it into the bathroom with Bella's help, and she made sure I had everything I needed, before she went to step out.

I didn't know where the words came from, but I couldn't seem to stop what tumbled out of my mouth. "You're leaving me in here by myself?"

She looked at me and quirked an eyebrow, "Are you still running a fever? Delirious? Unable to sit up by yourself?" she questioned.

"Um, no, I just…" Why on God's green earth had I asked her that?

"Lose the gown, Edward," she sighed and shook her head then began stripping.

"I-I-I-I…" I stuttered, as Bella was suddenly standing there in nothing but a pair of lacy white panties and a matching bra, as she hung her clothes on the back of the door.

"Okay, let's get you onto the shower chair," Bella said and reached behind my neck and untied the strings of the hospital gown I was wearing, pulling it off of me. Of course, I was totally bare beneath it. She quickly removed her undergarments, testing the water to make sure it was alright. She was completely naked and acting like it was something she did in front of people in the course of everyday life. I looked at her confused and somewhat embarrassed, which she noticed.

"Edward, I've seen a lot of naked men in my life. And before you ask, I never had sex with a one of them, or anyone for that matter, but that's another story. However, where I grew up, I spent a lot of time playing on the beach with boys who were like my brothers. We were raised together like siblings and never thought anything of stripping cold wet clothes off in front of each other. I also used to work in a nursing home for extra college money.

"I've cared for men who've been sick, drunk, injured and who've had dementia, and I've been puked on, peed on, shat on, had blood splattered on me, as well as pretty much every other bodily fluid there is, so I've had to learn to strip quickly to keep from making a bigger mess. Nudity in the course of caring for others isn't really taboo to me, just an occasional fact of life. I know you might've gotten the impression when we were on the beach in Cancun that I was mad, but really, it was just that you'd startled me when you rolled into me, and Emmett had been eyeing me and was laughing at me, so that was what'd had me reacting the way I did."

"So, you're a-a v-v-virgin, too?" I asked then wanted to slap myself. How lame did that sound?

She smiled widely and nodded her head, "And proud of it. Okay, let's get you cleaned up."

The shower was uneventful, thankfully. We even laughed about it being a relief that I wasn't spewing sludge at her this time. It was so _easy_ to be myself with Bella, and she didn't even give me a hard time about becoming erect as she was washing me. She just shook her head. "I'm not washing that, just so we're clear," she laughed and handed me the washcloth and soap. I made quick work of cleaning my own lower half, careful not to pay too much attention to my troublesome appendage, which was easier said than done, I had to confess.

We got out, and she helped me sit on the toilet, because I really had to pee, but I was still too unsteady to stand there to do it. I would have handled it like everyone else, you know who you are, but I did have manners and figured shower etiquette would dictate that I not pee on her feet. As I was going, I couldn't help but whimper, because it burned so darned bad. That catheter had done a number on me. Bella just came up and wrapped her arms around me, letting me lean into her and bury my head between her breasts, as tears rolled down my cheeks. I was never going to freaking Mexico again!

She stroked my hair, softly asking, "Are you alright? Do I need to get the nurse?"

"It just burns from the catheter. It'll be okay."

Bella helped me into a pair of clean boxer briefs and a t-shirt my mom had brought for me, and then she got herself redressed. Her hair was still wet, as we opened the door of the bathroom to see my whole family waiting in my room, along with a tall blonde, who was standing there with her arms crossed and smirking. My father was speaking to Dr. Hunter, who smiled when he saw I was able to get around on my own now…well, mostly. His smile got even wider as he took in Bella.

"So this is the young lady some of the nurses are grumbling about. Given how a couple of them were describing you, I was expecting to see a hooked nose, snaggled teeth and some warts. I'm pleased to see that's far from the truth," he said smoothly, extending his hand to shake. Bella smiled and shook it tentatively, quickly releasing him to help me back into bed.

"Mr. Cullen, I think you'll be good to go home in the morning. I want to make sure your intestinal functions are normal before you're discharged, so be thinking about crap tonight," he chuckled, apparently amused with himself. Once he was done checking me over, he said goodnight to everyone, lingering on Bella. She didn't seem too enthused with his attention.

"Girl, I thought I was going to have to pour cold water on him to get him off your leg," the blonde quipped, and Bella snorted, nodding her head.

"He was a bit enthusiastic and self-aware, wasn't he," she laughed, "So not my type."

"Ew, mine, either," the blonde said, wrinkling her nose.

"So what _is_ your type, gorgeous?" Emmett asked the blonde, waggling his brows at her.

"Not you," she huffed, and I wanted to cackle my head off at the look on Emmett's face. He was used to having women doing their best to _spur_ his attention, not _spurn_ it. My mom was looking on with amusement, the wheels in her head already turning, and I could tell my brother was in deep _crap_, in more ways than one.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: Edward Cullen's Views on Keepers and Waste Circulation**

**Keeper - **A premium used to induce a consumer to take some action, such as completing a survey or trying a product.

**Waste circulation - **(1) Advertising in an area where the product or service is not available or has no sales potential. (2) Persons in an advertiser's audience who are not potential consumers.

By Saturday morning, I was starting to see what Bella had meant by how the nurses were behaving towards me, and I couldn't wait to get out of here. I could have sworn there was an eye condition going around, given how all of them blinked their eyelids repeatedly. And if I got one more offer of a sponge bath, I was going to develop a complex about having offensive body odor.

Emmett was supposed to have come to pick me up once I got released, but he called me at just after eight o'clock this morning to let me know he was still with the girls he had gone home with last night, after he and an old friend from college had gotten together to go out for a few drinks, and they had ended up in a strip club to see one of her roommates perform. I cringed and got off the phone quickly, before he could regale me with a play-by-play recount of his night of debauchery. Some of the stuff he had told me about previous conquests had left me scarred for life, and I'd had enough of being sick lately to last me quite a while. I loved my brother, but he become a manwhore extraordinaire, and I just knew it was going to come back to bite him in the rear someday.

My parents were spending the day visiting and taking care of my Grandpa Platt over an hour away, so I was at a loss for a family member to come pick me up, once I had been released sometime mid-morning. I really didn't have any buddies I could call on, and I hated to do it, since she had been so kind and had done so much for me already, but the only other option I had, since I didn't have my wallet here for a cab, was to call Bella. Unfortunately, when I rang her phone, it went to voicemail. I hung up quickly, and then realized she would see it was from my phone, and I didn't want to be rude, so I dialed her number back, intending to leave a message. However, my call was answered, and a soft voice whispered, "Hold on."

The sound over the phone suddenly became somewhat muffled, I heard a string of profanities screamed that would have made a sailor blush, and then Bella was squealing and giggling. I was totally confused as to what was going on, but I heard quick footfalls, a door slam, more swearing, and then what sounded like heavy shuffling. A couple of seconds later, I could hear Rose's muffled voice screaming that she was going to bribe someone named Lucinda to forgo the anesthetic and overheat the wax when she dragged Bella in for a "beaver baring" appointment next week. I sort of had an idea what that meant, given I'd heard Emmett crudely use the term "bare beaver" before, and it sounded painful.

Bella's voice became clearer again, and through her giggles, she asked, "Edward, is everything okay?"

"Um, yeah, I was just calling to…um…ask another favor, but if you're busy, I'll just-"

"I'm not really busy, just exacting some payback," she snickered. "What can I do for you?"

"Emmett was supposed to pick me up this morning once I was released, but he's…preoccupied," I shuddered.

"He had a hot date last night, didn't he?" she sounded amused.

"Yeah, how did you know?"

"Rose and I were out on the porch, when he came home from work late yesterday afternoon. His car looked like it'd just been washed, and a little while later, he came out looking like a GQ model and singing _If You Think I'm Sexy_ by Rod Stewart. If that all didn't scream looking to get laid, I don't know what would."

"Wow, you're really observant," I marveled.

"Nah, I've just seen it a hundred times before. The guys from the rez used to do the same thing when they had dates. I always thought they were being ridiculous, but it was good for a laugh. Rose fake gagged herself and said he looked like a walking advertisement for condoms," she laughed.

"That sounds like Emmett alright. I'm glad he's old enough not to need me to be his keeper."

"So, you need a ride?"

"Yeah, but I hate to put you out. You've been so nice and helpful already."

"It's no problem, but it might take me a few minutes to get there. I'm going to have to get past Rose. I'm barricaded in my room right now, but I'm sure she's got me in her sites. I know she just reloaded. I'll be there as soon as I can."

Reloaded? Surely Bella couldn't have done anything that would have warranted firearms, could she?

A little over a half an hour later, Bella pulled up to the patient pickup zone and collected me. As I climbed into her car, I noticed that her clothes were slightly damp, as well as her hair. Thankfully, it was really warm outside.

"I'm so sorry to disturb you, Bella, but thanks for coming."

"Don't worry about it, Edward. But I have to warn you, Rose is on a rampage this morning, not to mention she's a bit crabby. I made the mistake of saying 'I told you so' to her, which she hates. I tried to warn her off the jerk she went out with last night, but she went ahead and went on a date with him anyway, which didn't end well. The idiot thought it'd be a good idea to take her to _Skin Deep_ as part of their date, and he bought a lap dance in front of her. She doesn't have a problem going with men to gentlemen's clubs, but the guy had darned well better pay her more attention than the girls working there. She also mentioned seeing your brother there, which didn't help her mood for some reason. She was really crabby when she came home last night."

"That's too bad that she had such a terrible time on her date, and that my brother was acting his typical self, enough that it upset her at least. Sometimes, he can be a bit much. Rose seemed like a nice girl, though, when I met her at the hospital yesterday."

"She is, but her tolerance for womanizing jerks is at an all-time low. Her last boyfriend was a cheat and a liar, who she caught nailing his secretary. The one before him was a possessive and controlling moron who wanted her to dress like a Quaker and never talk to anyone but him, _his_ predecessor had a mommy fixation and compared Rose to her constantly, and the one before _him_ ended up being a registered sex offender. The poor girl can't seem to catch a break when it comes to men, and she's pretty much convinced that they're not worth her trouble anymore. I swear, if one more man breaks her heart, she's going to switch teams."

We pulled up in front of my house, and Bella was looking around nervously, as she got out of the car. She was coming around to help me out, since I was still a little weak, and I spotted movement in the bushes beside the driveway and a flash of something colorful. We made it to the side door, when suddenly, Bella jumped and screamed, falling into me and knocking me against the door.

"Damn it, Rose! You'd better run and run fast, because once I get him settled, you're going down!"

Bella helped me inside quickly, apologizing for her friend. She made sure I was comfortable on the couch, and then she turned to leave. That was when I noticed her entire backside was wet.

"I'll be back to check on you in a bit and bring you something to eat, but first, I have to go kill my best friend," Bella spat and headed out the front door.

I was seated next to the large bay window in the living room, and I watched Bella as she ran across the cul-de-sac, dodging streams of water coming at her. She ran inside and then reappeared moments later with one of the biggest water cannons I had ever seen. I saw Rose dart out from behind the Whitlock's hedges and open fire, or rather water, on Bella with an identical weapon. Watching the two girls wage war on each other for the next ten minutes was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen, and I found myself laughing out loud at the two of them. However, I stopped laughing when Bella took a direct hit to the front of her thin white t-shirt, soaking her through, and I could clearly see her breasts under the fabric. I knew I should have been a gentleman and looked away, but I just couldn't. She turned her water cannon on Rose and returned the favor, both girls now soaked.

My idiot brother picked just that moment to pull into the driveway. He looked like he'd had a wild night. His shirt was buttoned wrong, his curls were in haphazard disarray, and he had that swagger he always got after a night he'd most surely come in here bragging about. I watched him walk down to the end of the driveway to collect the mail, and he noticed Bella and Rose stalking each other. It looked like he said something to one of them, and suddenly, Rose turned on him and soaked him from head to toe, looking like she was yelling at him the whole time. Of course, my house was well built, so it was insulated nicely, blocking me from being able to hear anything going on.

This distraction left Rose open, and Bella snuck up on her and blasted her in the rear end at close range, and they were off again. Emmett stood there shaking his head and laughing, before he headed toward the house. He noticed me watching out the window, still laughing as he walked in.

"Thank god those two are only shooting water. I think I'd be a dead man if they weren't," he chuckled, but looked a bit thoughtful.

"Yeah, well, what did you say to Rose that got her riled up enough to shoot you, too?"

"I just offered to judge their wet t-shirt contest when they were done and told her she was already in the lead. Then she proceeded to yell at me for being a pig, because I left with Tiffany and Britney from the club last night. I asked her if she was suffering from PMS, and she about bit my head off and drenched me. She didn't answer my question, but I'd bet I was right on target."

I just shook my head, as I watched him head up the stairs. Emmett was a brilliant man when it came to business and the law, but a total idiot when it came to women these days. He hadn't always been like that, but something in the past few months seemed to push him off course, and he'd begun behaving like a manwhore and forgetting our upbringing. He thought I was a sad case in the romance department, and I was, but at least I didn't have women wanting to shoot me for being a jerk and a womanizer.

The girls finally seemed to call a truce and went inside. With the show over, I leaned back into the couch and closed my eyes, just glad to be out of that hospital. Emmett came back down and said he was heading out to run an errand, and I think I might have acknowledged him, but I wasn't sure, as I was really tired. I must have dozed off, because I didn't hear Bella and Rose let themselves in, but I could hear their hushed voices in the same room as me.

"Just look at him, Rose. He's so sweet, sleeping there like that. I couldn't imagine a baby looking any cuter than him," Bella sighed.

"You so want to _make_ a bunch of babies with him," Rose snickered.

"Shut up, Rose!" Bella whisper-yelled, and it kind of hurt. I knew I was no catch, but to hear a woman actually deny..."Not a bunch, only a few," Bella whispered softly, and I felt her fingers run through my hair.

What did she say?

"Oops, he's awake," Rose giggled. I opened my eyes to find Bella staring down at me wide-eyed.

"I said that out loud, didn't I?" I asked, feeling my face burning hotter than when I'd been feverish. Bella's wasn't much better.

"Yeah, you did. So, future-daddy-to-Bella's-babies, we brought lunch. Are you up for some homemade chicken soup? Bella makes the best. It's guaranteed to cure anything except blue balls. You're on your own for that," Rose smirked.

To say lunch was awkward would have been a gross understatement. I had seen Bella buck naked, and she'd seen me the same and at my most vulnerable, and yet we were now acting like we'd just met. Rose finally broke the ice.

"So, Edward, tell me about you. We've obviously just met, and since you just moved in a couple of weeks ago, we haven't been neighbors for very long. I've been wondering about who bought this huge house. You're apparently single, don't seem to have any kids, at least that I've seen…well, other than your brother, so why so much square footage?" Rosalie pried.

"Rose, don't be so nosy!" Bella snapped, but I interrupted her.

"It's okay, I don't mind. Um, well, I _am_ single, never been married, and I have no kids. Emmett and I work for my dad's advertising agency, as you probably know by now. Um, I actually bought this house, because I needed a tax shelter, as well as a…shelter, a home. I got a good deal on it, too. I was just so tired of living in apartments and condos with no yard and way too many people vying for my parking spot. Emmett is living with me until he finds a house to buy, too, but he's pretty busy, so he hasn't really started looking yet."

"Yeah, busy, uh-huh," Rose rolled her eyes. "So, Edward, do you want a family?"

"Seriously, Rose?" Bella's face flamed.

"I'm only asking so I'll know whether to pursue him or not. He's hot, in an innocent boy-next-door sort of way, and I can work with that, but I don't want any kids. If he does, you know damn well we won't work out," Rose said matter-of-factly.

"Rose!"

"I do want kids…a few," I interjected, peeking over at Bella. "You'd be better off with my brother, Rose. He says he doesn't want any kids, either."

"He might be gorgeous, Edward, but I wouldn't touch that man with a ten-foot pole. Hell, ten feet might even be too close, given his choice, or _choices_, in women," Rose sneered. I got the distinct impression that Rose wasn't impressed with my brother's dating habits. Although he'd be pleased to know Rose considered him good looking.

**Story recs: **

_**Stealing Home**_** by redkat97. Such a good story. Complete.**

_**Paladin**_** by meeky311. WIP. Gotta love superhero stories!**

_**S.H.I.T.**_** also by meeky311. Complete. Freaking hilarious!**

**And as always, anything written by Savannavansmutsmut. You could read any of her 33 stories and find something unique and entertaining in every one. One of the best writers on FF. Seriously.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7: Bella Swan's Views on Galvanometer testing and Holding Power **

**Galvanometer testing - **A research method that measures physiological changes in consumers when asked a question or shown some stimulus material (such as an ad).

**Holding power - **The ability to keep an audience throughout a broadcast, rather than having them change channels. It is represented as a percent of the total audience.

I headed back over to Edward's a few hours later with some dinner for him and Emmett, and then I grabbed the small amount of laundry he had, along with Emmett's impressive pile, and sorted it for the wash, starting a load, even though Edward kept trying to tell me I didn't have to.

"It's what good neighbors do, Edward. You're not all the way back to yourself yet, and if you wait for Emmett to do it until you're better, you'll be naked before you know it," I said and then felt myself blush. I'd seen Edward naked several times already, but the thought of it now had me feeling shy.

Emmett came into the laundry room, licking the barbecue sauce from his fingers left behind by a grilled chicken leg. "Boy, Edward, this little lady can cook, and she does laundry, too! We should get Dad to fire her so we can hire her as our cook and housekeeper." Edward shot him a dirty look.

"Not that there's anything wrong with being a cook and a housekeeper, Emmett, but that's not the career path I studied for. Be careful what you say, or all your nice expensive white boxer briefs and dress shirts are liable to become a very pretty shade of pink," I shot back at him, "and maybe a couple of sizes smaller." I picked up a red towel and tossed it on top of his basket of whites to make my point, and he threw up his hands.

"Okay, okay, just messing with you. Thanks for the grub, but I've got plans for this evening. Tiffany and Britney invited me over for dessert, and they invited Tiffany's roommate, Mandy. Should be loads of fun. Later, kiddies," Emmett waggled his brows and strutted down the hall toward his room to get ready for another night of fornicating. I wondered if I should maybe add some disinfectant to that load of underwear, too. Bleach just might not be enough. Gross.

"I'm sorry about my brother," Edward sighed, looking embarrassed. "He's a really great guy, but he spends way too much time thinking with the wrong head," he muttered and then blushed.

We sat down and watched a movie, and I switched and folded laundry while we did. Edward kept trying to help me, but I wouldn't let him, insisting that he lie down and take it easy. He wanted to go back to work Monday morning, so he really needed to rest for the remainder of the weekend. As I was coming back with the last load, I noticed he had fallen asleep on the couch, so I took what I had done up the stairs to his room to put it away. Of course, I left Emmett's clothes in baskets in the family room. That lazy butt could put his own stuff up.

I opened Edward's closet, and my heartbeat picked up. It smelled like him, and hanging in a neat row to one side was a line of sweater vests. And not just any sweater vests, _vintage_ sweater vests, at least three dozen of them. I gently ran my hand down them, and the naughtiest images flooded my mind of a firm-handed teacher, his glasses sitting disapprovingly on the end of his nose, as he told me he was going to punish me…hard. I didn't realize I had been breathing so hard, clutching a grey tweed button-down cashmere vest to my breasts, until I heard a voice behind me and jumped, turning to find Edward standing there.

"Bella? Wh-what are you doing?" Edward asked. His face was bright red, and he looked like he was about to throw up. That immediately snapped me out of my lusty teacher fantasy.

"Oh! Edward, are y-you feeling sick again?" I quickly hung the vest back up and then turned back to see Edward's head hung, his eyes closed.

"No, but…my clothes…" he stammered, glancing at me before looking back at the floor.

"Is this what you normally wear to the office?" I asked, running my hand along the vests again.

"Yeah," he muttered, still looking at the floor.

"I like them," I said breathily, and his head snapped up.

"You do?" He looked like he didn't believe me.

"Oh, yeah, they're so hot," I practically moaned.

"It's not very nice to make fun of people," Edward suddenly said lowly and turned, stalking out of the room.

What had just happened?

I went looking from room to room in the huge house, trying to find Edward. I finally found him downstairs in an office that was tucked far back by the garage. He was facing away from the door at his desk, hovering over the keyboard of his laptop.

"Did I say something wrong?" I asked. "I'm sorry if I did, though you'll have to tell me what it was, because I'm totally clueless here."

"I know I'm a geek and a nerd, Bella. I get that. But I thought we…never mind," he sighed. "I really am okay here by myself, so you can go home now. Thank you for dinner and for doing our laundry. You really didn't have to, but I do appreciate the neighborly gesture. See you around the office Monday," he said turning back to his computer, effectively dismissing me.

I really didn't know what I had done, but he didn't seem like he wanted me there anymore, so I turned and left him in his office, heading back across the street. I got about halfway across the cul-de-sac, before I turned around and stomped back over to his house, madder than I'd ever been. How dare he dismiss me like the help! I hadn't said or done anything wrong, and he was going to bloody well apologize, or I would become the neighbor from hell!

I hadn't locked the door behind me, so I let myself in, marching straight back to his office. What I found there stopped me in my tracks, and I forgot why I'd been angry.

Edward had his head down on his arms, and he was sobbing. Before I knew what I was even doing, I had turned him around in his chair and was holding his head between my breasts, smoothing his hair back and whispering I was sorry. I didn't know what I was sorry for, but seeing him like this broke my heart. He finally took a deep, shuddering breath and looked up at me.

"No, I'm sorry. You didn't do anything wrong, Bella, I'm just…women don't like me, usually, and they make fun of the way I dress. Emmett's always telling me I need to stop shopping in Granddaddy Platt's closet and hit the mall for some decent clothes, but I like his clothes. They're comfortable, and it makes him happy to give them to me and see me wearing them. You should see him smile, when I visit him wearing something of his. Sometimes he can't remember who everyone is, but he always remembers me."

Could this man be any sweeter?

"I wasn't teasing when I said I liked your stuff, Edward. I really do. I can't wait to see you rocking those vests. I'll let you in on a little secret," I whispered and leaned down next to his ear. "Nerds make me want to do naughty things, and sweater vests are my kryptonite."

He swallowed hard and looked at me with wide eyes. "Really?"

"Oh, yeah."

"Good to know," he uttered, still staring at me.

~*~*~*~*~TIA~*~*~*~*~

Edward's parents came home early from visiting his grandfather and stopped over Sunday morning to bring him some groceries. There was enough food to last a month. Well, maybe a couple of days, given Emmett's appetite. Rose and I were heading out to church when they pulled up, and we helped them unload everything. What was really funny to watch was Emmett pulling up as we were taking in the grocery bags, doing the walk of shame. His mother stood there with her hands on her hips, glaring at his disheveled appearance, and Edward was standing there smirking. I guess he'd told on his brother.

"Emmett Thomas Cullen! Where have you been?" Esme demanded. "Never mind, I don't think I want to know," she snapped after getting a whiff of him. He really should have showered after a night like I was sure he'd had. Using their shower was the least the girls could have done for him. Rose just looked at him and shook her head, before heading back to her car.

We invited them to go to church with us, and Esme accepted. Carlisle decided to stay behind and have a talk with his son. He looked upset, and I would have hated to be Emmett right about now. He might have been a grown man, but I had a feeling the Cullen parents didn't let that stop them from taking their boys to task if they felt it necessary.

"Bella, I can't thank you enough again for taking care of Edward. He can be such a recluse sometimes, but you seem to bring out something in him. He seems much more…content," Esme said smiling widely at me as we drove away.

"Really, Esme, it's been no trouble. I've found him to be a very nice, sweet man. I'd do just about anything for him," I admitted, and the smile she gave me lit up her whole face.

As we were sitting through the service, I kept noticing Esme looking longingly at the women with babies and then glancing at me and Rosalie. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was sizing us up for grandbabies. Rosalie noticed, too, and kept cutting her eyes at me and frowning, trying to lean back out of Esme's line of vision. I had to work hard to keep my giggles in and my shoulders from shaking with laughter. Poor Esme was definitely tuning in to the wrong channel with Rose on that program.

When we returned home a couple of hours later, Emmett was sitting on the front porch of their house in one of the rockers, looking like someone had kicked his puppy. I felt kind of sorry for him and decided to go talk to him, so I walked across the street with Esme. She just gave him a stern look before heading inside. I sat down in the other rocker, matching his motions for a few minutes, rocking in silence. He finally sighed heavily and looked over at me.

"I owe you a major apology, Bella. I've been so busy trying to have fun the way I thought I should be for a guy my age that I failed to notice what an jerk and a player I was becoming. My dad has a way of pointing things out that makes the big picture really come into focus," he sighed, looking straight ahead. "I owe Rosalie an apology, too. I've done nothing but offend her since I met her, and she seems really nice. She didn't deserve it."

"Emmett, it takes a big man to admit when he's messed up. I accept your apology, because yeah, you've said some really stupid things, and it's made me question the kind of man you really are. What kind of man do you want to be?"

"That's the thing. I like to have fun, but I'm pushing thirty at this point. The all-nighters with the girls have been fun, but last night, I couldn't help but think maybe it's not what I want anymore. It's awesome being known as a fun-loving ladies' man, but I still come home-well, to Edward's home-alone. I want my own house, maybe to come home to the same girl. It takes a lot of work to remember a different girl, or group of girls' names all the time," he chuckled rubbing the back of his neck. "I want to be respected, like my brother. Did he tell you he's still a virgin?"

"Yeah, he did, and so am I. We're a rare breed these days."

He looked at me appraisingly, nodding. I was surprised he let that slide without something crude to say.

"I know it's a lot of guys' big dream to have multiple women at their beck and call and in their bed at once, but it does make you look like a bit of a manwhore. I don't know about most women, but the ones I do know who are someone you'd be proud to take home to your parents don't want that kind of man for anything long term. It's too scary of a world, and too many bad things that can happen to place your trust in a man like that. I know I wouldn't. There's just too much at stake, the biggest of which is your health, or maybe even worse, your heart."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. That's pretty much what my dad said, too. He said it was time I grew up and stopped acting crazy. Maybe he's right, too."

"It sounds like you're thinking about the long term now, and maybe you're ready to focus on one girl worth giving up the crazy for."

"Yeah, maybe I am."


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello, Chickadees, I just want to remind everyone this is Dollybigmomma's story. All the previous chapter are all her, and this one and the next one will be her stuff, too. After that, I'll be writing, so thank you for all your wonderful reviews and comments. I just want to be sure Dolly is getting the credit. She does peek at the reviews, so give her some love and let her know you love her funny.**

**Chapter 8: Carlisle Cullen's Views on Payout Planning and Perceived Risk**

**Payout planning - **An approach to advertising budgeting in which the dollars spent to advertise are represented as an investment towards future sales and profits.

**Perceived risk - **A functional or psychosocial risk a consumer feels he/she is taking when purchasing a product.

I sat behind my desk Monday morning, thinking over the events of the past week, my head in my hands. It had been a week from hell. Watching my youngest son suffering so desperately with that bacterial infection, worrying over my oldest son and fearing for his very life and salvation because the lifestyle he had been choosing to indulge in, and terrified that I was about to lose my beloved wife in a fight for her life had completely drained me. The results had come back from her biopsy this morning. It was cancer, stage one, thank God, but she still had it. We hadn't told the boys yet, but we were having dinner at home tonight, and both their presences had been requested.

Esme also wanted Rosalie and Bella there, I guess for support from some other women. She had become very fond of Bella in the short time we had known her, and I believed my wife had high hopes of something positive developing between Rosalie and Emmett, but I wasn't holding my breath. My son had made such an ass of himself in front of the young lady, and I feared it had been too much to find him redeemable in her eyes, which was really too bad. Edward had told me that Rosalie was an attorney as well, and they potentially had a lot in common. I could only hope my eldest son straightened himself out and soon. The talk we'd had Sunday morning seemed to strike a chord with him…

"_Emmett, sit down…wait, go take a shower first, and then come and sit down. You smell like you spent the night down on lower Harry Hines at one of those by-the-hour motels."_

"_And how would you know about that part of town, Dad?" my son asked me, a cocky smirk on his face. If I hadn't loved him so much, I would have decked him right then._

"_I know about that district, because Volturi Pharmaceuticals advertises their prescription herpes medication on some of the billboards down there, and you and I both know that area is well-known for prostitution, seedy motels and strip clubs. Now go shower."_

_I sat on the sofa and waited for him to return, wondering where I had gone wrong with my eldest son. Edward had never done any of the things Emmett had, and although I had been very careful never to compare my boys to each other out loud, I had to admit that I was much prouder of my youngest son at the moment. He had worked hard and had embraced the morals and self-respect my wife and I had tried to teach both of them. Somewhere along the line, though, I guess my message to my oldest had been lost or forgotten. Even though Emmett was twenty-nine, he was still my son, and I would be remiss in my responsibilities to him as such by saying nothing and allowing him to continue on this self-destructive path. I was still his father, and it was time I reminded him of that._

_He came back a little later, smelling much less like a brothel, and sat down in the recliner across from me. "So, what's on your mind, Dad?"_

"_You, Emmett. I'm worried about you. Although I'm your employer, I'm talking to you right now as your father. I spoke with Edward for a while this morning and asked him to tell me the truth about what's going on with you. The story he told me was somewhat disturbing, but I suspect he didn't tell me the half of it, trying to cover for you. I'm not stupid, though, and I can read between the lines. What's going on, Son?"_

_My son sighed, looking down at his feet, shaking his head. "It's stupid, really…"_

"_Let me be the judge of that. What has you acting like you're perpetually on spring break with no ticket home?"_

"_Damn. Dad…I sound like such a fu-freaking chick. I'm turning thirty in a month. I don't have a permanent place of my own, I work for my daddy, and all my buddies are so damn far ahead of me in life right now it makes me look pathetic. Partying just…it makes me feel like I'm not damned near middle-aged with nothing to show for it. At least the girls seem to think I have something going on for myself."_

"_Please tell me you haven't ordered a flashy sports car to go along with this mid-life crisis pity party?" I asked with a raised brow, and my son blushed and looked away. "Cancel it. You don't need it, Son. Seriously, you're not even thirty yet, and you're acting like your life is over already!"_

"_Dad, even Edward-"_

"_Leave Edward out of this. Just because he's bought a home at twenty-six, has a retirement plan in place and guards his virtue doesn't make him any better than you, Son. He's just an old soul, always a planner and a deep thinker, while you've always been my spontaneous, free-spirited one. Both personality types have their pros and cons. Sometimes I wish I could squish the two of you together and spread all your attributes a bit more evenly between you. _

"_The fact of the matter is that you ARE about to turn thirty, Emmett, making you very much old enough to know better. Given the current path you're on, I'm worried you won't have a need for a retirement plan, because you'll have long died of AIDS or will contract some other ailment that's passed sexually, which will end up costing you your life. Although it's controversial whether Hepatitis C is spread through normal sexual contact, it has been known to be spread through anal sex when there's bleeding involved, and it can cause all kinds of kidney and liver problems, including cancer. I don't doubt you've probably engaged in that, am I right?" I asked, not really wanting to know, but I had to get my point across to my son. _

_He nodded, dropping his head, and I sighed loudly, rubbing my hands over my face._

"_What do you want out of this life, Emmett?"_

_He continued to look down at the floor for a moment, before looking up at me. "I guess I want what you have, what you and mom have together. I want to be happy."_

"_Are you happy right now?"_

"_No…not really."_

"_Well then, do you think maybe it's time to grow up and stop this crazy behavior, and maybe put some effort into getting you the future you really want? I love you, Son. I don't want to be alive for your funeral, and I don't plan on leaving this earth until I'm a very wrinkly old man who's surrounded by lots of grandchildren and maybe even great-grandchildren." Emmett had expressed before that he didn't want kids, but I was pretty sure that was his inner teenager talking. Once he got his cranial-rectal inversion under control, I had high hopes that a wife and family would start sounding a lot more appealing to him._

"_Yeah, I guess you're right, Dad. I'm sorry if I've worried you and mom. And I'll cancel my order for that new Mustang GTE convertible with the custom paint job and upgraded tech package." That had my ears perking up._

"_Well, you don't have to be too hasty on that. Ford does make some mighty fine cars, and Mustangs aren't THAT bad." I'd had a classic Mustang in college, so I knew that for a fact…_

There was a knock on my office door, and Bella poked her head inside. "Did you want some lunch, Mr. Cullen? I'm about to make an order from the sandwich shop across the street."

"Yes, thank you, I'll take their original…oh, but can you come in for a moment, Bella?" I asked, and she stepped into my office. "My wife is making dinner tonight, and she's requested the boys join us, but she also would like for you and Rosalie to come over as well. Would you be free tonight to come to dinner?"

She looked taken aback for a moment then smiled. "I'd like that, Mrs. Cullen is awesome. I'm free, and I can call Rose and see if she is as well. What time?"

I gave her the details and directions, and as she went to order lunch, Edward walked into my office. I wasn't sure why he was wearing a sweater vest this time of year under his suit coat, seeing as he looked a bit warm, but I had long since quit questioning my sons on their wardrobe choices. Bella was frozen in place, staring at him with her mouth open, and I would have sworn I saw the corner of his mouth twitch in one of his almost-grins. That was curious.

Aristotle Volturi showed up right on time for our one o'clock appointment, and as I'd predicted, he had his son, Marcus, in tow. Bella had been working on the marketing research proposal I'd given her to prepare for the presentation, and she came in with the copies I'd requested. I'd also asked Edward to join the meeting, since he would be overseeing the eventual layouts, and he came in behind her, shutting the door.

Being the gentleman I was, I stood when she and Edward entered the room and made the appropriate introductions. Aristotle stood as well, but his son remained seated, leaning back in his chair and taking Bella in from head to toe. Bella did look exceptionally nice today in a pretty blue dress and heels, but Marcus's appraisal of her was bordering on inappropriate.

"Ah this must be the lovely Isabella Swan my father spoke of so highly. It's my sincere pleasure to meet you, my lovely. You're truly a siren amongst women," he crooned smoothly, kissing Bella's hand. Bella looked like she didn't know whether to be flattered or incredulous.

Edward frowned at the way Marcus was practically leering at her and stepped in front of him, effectively but gently disconnecting Marcus's hold on Bella and blocking his view of her, extending his hand to shake instead. "Welcome, Mr. Volturi. It's nice that you've accompanied your father today, although I'm afraid I'm not familiar with which department you're employed at Volturi Pharmaceuticals."

Marcus scoffed. "I don't work at the corporate office. My interests and pursuits lie in other areas," he smirked, leaning over the table and steepling his fingers, his eyes searching for Bella again.

I made sure Bella was seated between Edward and me, and we started the meeting. The whole time we discussed the research we would be doing for Volturi, Bella took copious notes and even made some very sound suggestions on how to structure the questionnaires and man the focus groups we would be organizing. Volturi was branching out into cosmetics and skin care, and I was glad to have Bella there to sample the products Aristotle had brought in. As she was smoothing some of the creams on her hands, Marcus reached beneath the table into the bag he had brought and pulled up a camera.

"My dearest Bella, beauty such as yours requires no augmentation or improvement. However, I'd be honored if you'd allow me to photograph your trials of my father's newest products."

"Um…I don't know…" she stammered and looked at me for guidance.

"Actually, Marcus, it'd be more prudent to wait for a proper setting and use a trained research model-" I tried to interject, but he had already started snapping pictures of Bella, who was looking at me with wide eyes.

"Nonsense, I'm sure Ms. Swan doesn't mind," Marcus smiled and continued taking photos of Bella. Edward looked like he was about to lunge across the table and bash the camera through the impertinent man's skull, and if it hadn't been for the liability of it all, I might have let him.

"Actually, Mr. Volturi, I do mind," Bella protested. "This is not part of why I'm here," she blushed, huffing in frustration at his audacity to continue, even though she'd said no and was now glaring openly at him.

"My God, you're beautiful when you're flushed with anger. Such passion, I'm certain it carries into other areas of your life, no?"

"Gentlemen, I think we need a five minute break. Bella, would you mind bringing in some drinks?" I asked, hoping to avert a scene. Bella nodded, rising quickly, seemingly grateful to escape the room. Edward stood and followed her, glancing sternly back at Marcus, who was watching Bella's backside as if it were his to ogle.

Volturi Pharmaceuticals was our largest, most lucrative advertiser, but I would not sit by and watch one of my employees be disrespected. I had to tread lightly here. Aristotle had pulled his son to the side, and the two men were whispering animatedly toward each other in what sounded like Spanish. Aristotle seemed angry, and Marcus kept shaking his head no, until his father grabbed hold of his arm and led him toward the door. "We'll discuss this later, Marcus, but you need to go, right now," Aristotle demanded firmly.

"I will have what I want, Father. Make no mistake."

After Marcus stormed out of the office, Aristotle looked at me apologetically. "I'm sorry, Mr. Cullen. Unfortunately, my son takes after his mother's side of the family. He's a bit high-strung and a lot spoiled. But what's a father of a grown man to do?" he asked dismissively.

I had an answer for him, but I doubted he'd like it.

Be a father.

**A/N The lower stretch of Harry Hines Blvd. in Dallas really used to be known for such activity. We used to have to drive through there to get to the hospital district, and it was nothing to see gang tagging everywhere and girls standing out in front of the seedy motels along there wearing an overabundance of makeup, hooker heels and barely any clothes. I haven't been through there in years, so it might have been cleaned up and renovated since then. Anyone familiar with that stretch of Hines these days who can give us an update?**


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry this is late. The Cutting Edge will be updated soon, too. We've had a stomach bug running through our house and an upstairs toilet that overflowed and was left running all night and flooded the downstairs. Yeah, I spent my Sunday ripping out flooring, not writing. **

**Chapter 9: Edward Cullen's Views on Integrated Marketing Communication and Puffery**

**Integrated Marketing Communication (IMC) - **A management concept that is designed to make all aspects of marketing communication (e.g., advertising, sales promotion, public relations, and direct marketing) work together as a unified force, rather than permitting each to work in isolation.

**Puffery - **A legal exaggeration or praise lavished on a product that stops just short of deception.

I followed Bella out of the conference room, knowing that if I didn't get myself out of there and calm down, I was going to punch that dirt bag in the mouth and end up costing us the account. Marcus Volturi had no business being in our offices for this meeting. He didn't even work for his father's company! That poser was a pompous jerk, sitting there all high and mighty, dressed up in his expensive European tailored suit, his Italian leather shoes that probably cost more than all the clothes my whole family owned put together, and his entitled spoiled-rich-boy attitude that bespoke of breeding, but he was nothing more than a would-be lothario where Bella was concerned. And I'd swear, if he'd taken one more unauthorized photo of Bella, he would have needed to get a proctologist to remove that bloody camera for him.

As I approached the break room, I could hear Bella ranting under her breath, as she slammed cups and condiments on a tray. "Who the hell does that slimy, used-car-salesman-looking Sopranos reject think he is! He was one more picture snap away from having my foot crammed up his ass!" Oh, she was angry enough to be cussing. "He thinks I look beautiful mad? Well, I'd better just sign my ass up for Miss America, 'cause I'm way beyond pissed! Hmm, maybe I should take his damn cup and do just that," she growled, cutting her eyes toward the ladies room. As much as I was enjoying this, she needed to calm down, too.

"Bella," I whispered behind her to get her attention, and she jumped, spinning around, looking kind of sheepish. I think she really had been contemplating taking his coffee cup into the restroom. "He's gone. Daddy Dearest sent him out to play, so there'll be no need to…um…" I gestured urinating into the cup, and she let out a giggle.

"Too bad, he had it coming," she scowled.

"Would you really have done that?" I asked surprised.

"I guess you'll never know now," she smirked.

She finished getting the tray together, and we walked back into the conference room. I saw Bella looking around, making sure the coast was clear.

Aristotle saw this and sighed. "I'm so sorry, my dear. My son can be a bit…intense sometimes. I do hope you'll forgive him."

"No blood, no foul," Bella smiled strangely. Judging from the look on her face, though, bloodshed might have been crossing her mind. I made a mental note not to piss her off.

We got through the rest of the meeting without any further interruptions, a finalized plan in place for the Volturi market research and the contracts outlined. Aristotle apologized once again, kissing Bella's hand before leaving. I didn't like the worried look he shot back at her, as he went to leave the office, however. Once he was gone, I stood there deep in thought, contemplating what it meant. I was pulled out my thoughts, when Bella nudged me with her shoulder.

"Hey, where'd you go just now?" she asked me quietly.

"Just thinking. So, you ready for dinner with my mom tonight?" I asked nudging her back.

"Yeah, I liked your mom, she seems really sweet. Any idea why the powwow, though?"

"Not really, but my mom loves to feed people, so it should be good. She's an amazing cook. I understand she's making her chicken and dumplings and homemade banana pudding tonight."

I looked over to see Bella's eyes slightly glazed over, and she reached up to wipe a bit of drool off the corner of her mouth. "Homemade dumplings?" she asked, her eyes widening.

"Yeah, she makes them from scratch," I nodded, and Bella wiped her mouth again. "I take it you like homemade dumplings?"

"Oh, yeah," she moaned, kind of like she had when she'd told me she liked my clothes.

"That's good. When she called to invite me, she promised to teach me how to make them tonight. I've been asking for a while, but she's always been too busy, so we've never gotten around to it. You want to come with me a little early and have her show us both?"

Bella's face lit up. "Do you think she'd mind?"

"Not at all. Actually, she kind of hinted at it. It's an old secret family recipe that's been handed down for generations, but I think she'd share it with you," I smiled at her.

"I wouldn't want her to compromise family security or anything," she grinned back at me.

"I think we'll survive," I winked.

I winked? When had I ever done that before?

~~~TIA~~~

I ended up having to work a bit later than I'd anticipated, so when I got to my parents' house, everyone was already there. My mom opened the door before I could even reach the handle, pulling me unto a tight hug. When I heard her sniffle, I pulled back to see what was the matter. "Mom?"

"Never mind me, honey, I'm just being an emotional old lady today," she smiled, but it wasn't convincing.

She grabbed my hand and led me into the kitchen, where Bella and Rosalie were sitting around the island, laughing and talking, while they were deboning boiled chicken thighs. Emmett was sitting at the table, sipping on a glass of lemonade, while surreptitiously observing the girls, Rose in particular, over the top of the file folder he was looking through.

"Evening, little bro," he greeted me quietly.

"Hey," I nodded, looking at him with narrowed eyes. He just went back to sipping his drink. "That for work?" I pointed to the folder in his hand.

"Yeah, I'm just checking the Volturi stuff over. Dad told me about your meeting this morning. Sounds like Aro's baby boy needs to learn about boundaries," he said frowning. Bella snorted an unamused sound, having heard his comment.

"Yeah, he didn't exactly endear himself to anyone today," I grumbled. I looked over at Bella, and she was scowling and mumbling, ripping the cooked chicken meat from the bones with somewhat alarming vigor. I could only guess she was imagining it was Marcus's flesh she was shredding.

"Don't ever make her angry, Edward," Emmett whispered, noticing what Bella was doing. "She'll peel you like a rabid monkey on an overripe banana. I can only imagine what she's capable of when she's really pissed off."

"You have no idea," I muttered.

Bella finally calmed down, when mom called us over to watch how she made the dumplings. I watched my mother mixing the dough, wincing in what looked like pain, as she stirred.

"You okay, Mom?"

"Yes, dear, I'm fine. Now, once you get the dough all stirred up, you'll drop it a spoonful at a time into the boiling broth," she said redirecting us to the pot on the stove. I had a feeling she'd just changed the subject.

With dinner done, we sat down to eat, and I would swear Bella was trying to record a porno soundtrack with all the moaning she was doing, as she chowed down with abandon. I'd never seen a girl enjoy a meal so much.

"Esme, this is divine. I'm sure this isn't the only thing you make that's this good. Please, teach me how to make all your specialties," Bella begged, shoveling in another bite, making my mother beam.

"I'd love to, sweetheart. Anytime you or Rose want to come over, I'd love to have you, and I'll show you everything I know how to make that my boys like. They love to eat, and they love their mommy's cooking, don't you, baby," she reached over and pinched Emmett's cheek. I expected him to pull away and gripe at her for saying that, but he grabbed her hand and kissed it instead, looking at her lovingly and nodding, making my mother smile wider. I noticed Rose watching this as well, and her brow went up.

"Why don't we take dessert in the family room, so we can all stretch out and get comfortable?" my dad suggested, so we did just that.

Everyone was enjoying the banana pudding, when my mom cleared her throat, setting her plate on the coffee table. "I guess you're all wondering why we asked you here on a weeknight. I have some news I need to share with you, and I hoped-" she started, but then tears formed in her eyes, and she choked up. My father pulled her into his arms, and she buried her face in his chest, her shoulders shaking.

"What's wrong, Momma?" Emmett asked, looking scared for the first time I could remember since we were kids.

"Your mother found a lump in her breast awhile back. They did a needle biopsy on it last week, and it's cancer," my dad said looking older than he usually did. "It's still at stage one, but she has it."

"Momma?" Emmett gasped, and then he was on the floor in front of her, his arms around her. "You're gonna be okay, you've gotta be, you're gonna be alright…" he kept saying.

Mom wrapped her arms around him and stroked his hair. "I'm going to fight for all I'm worth, baby. I need you to be strong for me, though, can you do that?" she asked him in a small voice. For all of my big brother's bravado, he was one of the biggest momma's boys imaginable.

"You can count on me. I'm done being an idiot, and I'll be with you every step of the way. I love you, Momma."

She cupped his cheeks, kissing his forehead. "I love you, too, my Dimply Dumplings," she whispered to him, using the name she used to call him when he was little. Emmett looked up to see if anyone had heard her, and Rose was smiling at him and winked. I had a feeling he'd be hearing about that, but with the way Rose was looking at him, I didn't think it would be done cruelly.

"Esme, if there's anything you need done, I'm right here, and I'm sure Rose is, too. You don't have to worry about anything. We'll be with you through it all. You're not alone," Bella said with tears in her eyes. We all gathered around my mom, hugging and reassuring her that we were all in this together.

The next few days were busy. Testing had revealed that my mom had the genetic marker for breast cancer, and so after much discussion, many prayers and a lot of tears, she had decided to have a double mastectomy to thwart further breast lesions, along with reconstruction at the time of surgery. It was scheduled to happen Monday of next week, so we all pitched in, Rosalie and Bella included, and helped mom and dad clean their place from top to bottom in the evenings, spending dinnertime together. Mom needed something to focus on to take her mind off the impending surgery, and cooking and cleaning were her go-to activities when she was stressed.

I didn't know if the girls had had other plans, but Bella assured me they were right where they wanted to be, so I wasn't questioning the gift of their time. I did marvel at how seamlessly they had blended into our lives, though, like they had always belonged as part of our inner circle. Mom was enjoying having them around, giving her their friendship and support. I was so thankful to the girls for their quiet yet meaningful attention to my mom. She tended to be a bit shy and somewhat of a private person, so she didn't really have many other female friends, but having Bella and Rosalie spending time with her seemed to make her glow with happiness, despite the impending trials she was facing.

Emmett and I also spent some quiet one-on-one time with our dad. Carlisle Cullen was a strong, independent man, but this had taken its toll on him, and once the girls had taken mom shopping for a few hours after dinner Saturday evening, he broke down and cried, Emmett and me on either side of him, crying right along with him.

Ever since my dad had spoken with Emmett, and then after getting the news of my mother's cancer, my brother had been much quieter than usual, at least for him, and he had been a very different man. He always seemed to be deep in thought now, and he hadn't gone out once. After we had been over at our parents' house helping them, we came home and spent the late evenings together cleaning and organizing our house and finishing the unpacking, working in the yard, doing our laundry, and Emmett baked. Who knew he could make brownies from scratch? He made lunches for us to take to work, and wonder of wonders, he even cleaned his bathroom. I knew our parents had taught us how to do all that stuff, but I had no idea my brother had paid attention. I was tempted to ask him what the deal was, but I didn't want to jinx it, because I could seriously get used to Emmett behaving this way. I'd always loved him and looked up to him in a lot of ways, but the man he was showing me now made me proud to call him my brother.

The day before my mom's surgery, Bella and Rosalie joined us for church. Bella was sitting next to me, smiling while watching my mom. She was making silly faces at a baby who was on the shoulder of his mother sitting in front of us. He kept smiling and cooing at my mom, as she would reach out and tickle his cheek, making him grin wider and reach for her. Mom knew the woman, and so she let my mom hold her little boy, who looked to be about seven or eight months old.

"Isn't he the most precious thing you've ever seen," mom whispered to Rosalie, who was sitting beside her. Rose looked at the baby dubiously, but then she suddenly found herself with two arms full of baby, as my mom quickly passed him to her.

"Esme, I don't do babies-" she started to whisper in protest, that was until the little boy looked up at her with his big blue eyes and smiled before laying his head on her chest. The little guy was really good-natured, or maybe he just liked the pillows he'd been offered to snuggle into. Rose patted his back awkwardly, and a few minutes later, he was sound asleep, his tiny hand clutching the front of her dress.

"Looks good on you," my mother smiled slyly and leaned into Rose's side. Rose looked down into the baby's face, and a tender smile lit her own.

"He's not so bad," she whispered back.

I glanced over at Emmett, who was at the end of the pew on the other side of me, and he had been watching as well, a small smile on his face. He looked at me and winked, before returning his attention to the pulpit. Bella nudged me with her elbow, grinning widely, never taking her eye off the person speaking. I couldn't help but grin along with her. Maybe there was hope for these two yet.


	10. Chapter 10

**Dollybigmomma and I were up all night working on this together. We wrote this together, because we wanted to be sure to get you a chapter, even though we are both sick right now. Her more than me. It didn't help that this was a tissue warning chapter that wreaked havoc on our already overworked sinuses. **

**TISSUE WARNING, but still happy, too :)**

**Chapter 10: Emmett Cullen's Views on Advertising Plans and Damage Control**

**Advertising Plan - **An explicit outline of what goals an advertising campaign should achieve, how to accomplish those goals, and how to determine whether or not the campaign was successful in obtaining those goals.

**Damage Control – **Measures taken to offset or minimize damage to reputation, credibility or public image caused by a controversial act, remark or revelation.

We had been here since almost six o'clock this morning, and mom was still in surgery four hours later. Edward had gotten tired of my pacing and had sent me to find mom some flowers, I was sure to keep from snapping at me again to sit down for the tenth time.

I made my way into the hospital's little gift shop and found the flower case. I didn't see what I needed, so I went to the front desk. "Excuse me, Sir, I need a bouquet."

"They're over there."

"Yes, but what I need isn't there. Do you have more in a case in the back?"

"It's just more of the same, man. What are you looking for?"

"I need hyacinths, lilacs and roses mixed in a bouquet."

"I have roses," he offered.

"I saw that, but they're the wrong color and not accompanied by the right flowers."

"We get these flowers from a service, and we only order what they carry, so I don't know how to get what you're asking for. What's a hyacinth, anyway?"

"Listen, buddy, I need hyacinths, and I need them now! I didn't spend the majority of kindergarten learning how to spell that word for nothing. They're my mom's favorite flowers. She has to have them!"

"I don't even know what they are. How am I supposed to get something, when I don't even know what it is?" the guy snapped.

"It's a flower, and it's my mom's favorite. They were in her wedding bouquet, and she gets them for her birthday, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, anniversary, and any other day that I need to say I'm sorry, or I love her, or I need her, and I need her and love her, and I'm sorry now, and she has to get better, so where are you hiding the flowers I need?"

"Emmett?" I heard Rose call to me worriedly from the shop door. The jerk behind the counter looked relieved, but I wasn't done with him yet. "Do you need help with something?" she asked, coming to stand beside me.

"They don't have hyacinths, Rose. I have to get them. I have to have my mom's favorite flower. I even know how to pronounce it right. I learned just for her when I was four, I could spell it like a pro by the time I was six, and I can sniff them out blindfolded, but they're not here!" My eyes began to water, "I need those flowers, Rose. She needs them to get better!"

"Is she out of surgery yet?"

"No, and it's taking so long," I whined.

"Longer than it's supposed to?" she asked worried.

"No, just…she's gotta be okay," I whispered. "She's...she's..."

" Calm down, Emmett. I saw a flower shop just down the road. I'll bet they'd have your hyacinths."

Rose pulled me out of the gift shop, holding on to my hand, as she led me to the parking lot. I didn't want to leave the hospital, but my mom had to have those flowers, and I would make sure we weren't gone long.

Thankfully, the shop was only two blocks away, and as soon as we walked in the door, I knew they had them, because I could clearly smell them. I turned to Rose, smiling excitedly. "They have them!" I said and practically ran to the back corner of the shop, following the fragrance. There was a whole rack of potted hyacinths of all different sizes and colors, and I had to get them all. "They're not cut, which is perfect, because they'll last even longer. I can help mom plant them in her garden once she's all better," I said and started loading my arms down with the pots.

"Are you getting them all?" Rose asked confused.

"Yeah, can you help me get them up to the counter?"

"Okay," she said shaking her head. The shop owner saw what we were doing and came to help.

"What do we have here?" he asked, helping me offload my arms onto the counter.

"We need all your hyacinths," I told him, and his eyes went wide.

"Is there any way we can have these delivered to the hospital down the street?" Rose asked him, and I wanted to kiss her just then. I hadn't even thought about having them delivered. That would save us a lot of time, and I could get back to mom quicker that way.

"Yes, definitely, just give me a room number, and we'll make sure they get there today," the man offered.

"I don't know a room number yet," I paused, "My mom is still in surgery," I said suddenly feeling crestfallen. I didn't even realize I was crying, until Rose reached up and wiped my cheek with the back of her hand.

"We can call you with the room number as soon as we know it," Rose offered, grabbing my hand. I was so glad she was here and had driven us. I didn't think I could drive back with as poorly as I was seeing right now. She grabbed the biggest pot, as I handed the man my credit card, "We'll take this one with us right now."

When we got back to the hospital's surgical waiting room, Edward stood up surprised. "Where did you find those hyacinths? There weren't any in the shop downstairs, at least that was what the guy in there said."

"Rose helped me find them," I said and wrapped my arm around her, giving her a light hug in thanks.

"I need to get her some of those as well. Where did you find them?" dad asked.

"I bought them out, and they're going to be delivered as soon as we know her room number."

"Can I pay for some of them?" dad offered.

"Yeah, I want to pay for some of them, too," Edward piped in.

"I've already covered it, but we can say they're from all of us."

"We want to contribute something, though," dad said, and Edward nodded.

"You can help us plant them. I'm sure mom would love to make a day of watching all her men kneeling at her feet," I laughed.

"Can we help, too?" Bella asked.

"Of course, we can even get her some new rose and lilac bushes to plant with them. She'll be in heaven, since those are all her favorites."

I realized what I'd said, and the damn tears started again. I wanted my mom to be happy, but I certainly didn't want her in heaven anytime soon. Edward was sniffling beside me, and so was our dad, who pulled us both into a group hug. The girls joined us, rubbing our backs in comfort.

The doctor came out then, and we all surrounded him, eager to hear how the surgery went. "Mrs. Cullen is in recovery now. The surgery went well, and you should be able to see her in the next hour or so, once she's awake and they have her situated in a room. We believe we were able to get it all, since the margins were still tight on the lesions, and the lymph nodes showed no abnormal cells. She's going to be a bit out of it for the rest of the day, but we're going to get her up and walking this evening. I'll send a nurse to get you as soon as she's ready for visitors."

"Do you know what room she'll be in?" Rose asked.

"She'll be in Room 708. There's a waiting room up on the seventh floor. I'll let the nurse know to come find you there, and she'll show you where it is."

"That's a good sign. My birthday is on July 8th," I grinned.

The waiting room on the seventh floor seemed smaller and was located right across from the nurses' station. Edward was looking worriedly at Bella, who was eyeing one of the nurses with a scowl on her face. I looked at the nurse and noticed her eyes were bouncing between me, Edward and dad, as if she couldn't figure out who to ogle first.

"She's about five seconds away from having black bruises around those wandering eyes," Rose huffed, glaring at the same nurse. "Bella pointed her out to me when Edward was in here as one of the nurses who kept trying to molest him under the guise of a sponge bath."

I looked closer at the nurse, and it suddenly dawned on me that I knew her, or rather I'd known her, as in _biblically_, and I hoped she didn't recognize me. She'd been pretty wasted when we'd hooked up, and obviously, so had I, judging by the looks of her. Not one of my finer moments to be sure.

She rounded the desk and headed toward us, batting her eyelashes and swaying her hips, but before she could even get across the waiting area threshold, Bella was on her feet and standing in front of Edward.

"Nobody in here needs a sponge bath, and if they do, I'll be the one giving it to him," she growled at the wannabe naughty nurse, looking over her shoulder to make sure she was completely blocking any view of Edward. She had basically just peed on his leg, marking him as her territory. Edward was grinning widely, but blushing at the same time, no doubt imagining Bella giving him said sponge bath. I wished Rose would do the same thing to me, because Nurse Nasty was looking at me now. Bella snapped her fingers at her and pointed back toward the nurses' station, sending her away with a stomp of her foot, thank heavens. Man, that little woman was fierce.

As we waited to see mom, I noticed how Edward and Bella seemed to be in tune to each other. They leaned closer together as they talked, and the way they looked at each other said volumes. It was obvious they were more than friends, even if they hadn't realized it yet. I recognized that look, because I saw it every time my dad looked at my mom. It made me want to stick with my plan to clean up my act, so that maybe someone would look at me that way. I wanted to be worthy of a real woman, someone good who my mom would approve of and be proud to see me loving, not the skanky types I had been slumming with. I looked over at Rose, and she was holding the hyacinth pot, smiling softly as she watched Edward and Bella as well. I wondered if maybe she wanted the same thing, too.

A nurse finally came and got us, taking us back to my mom's room. Her bed was raised slightly, and she looked sleepy, but she smiled a little as we walked in and she noticed the flowers Rose was holding. "Oh, Rose, you brought my favorite flowers. How did you know?"

"Actually, they're from Emmett," Rose smiled, setting the pot on the windowsill.

"I wouldn't have been able to find them without her. We plan on having a flower planting party once you're up to it, Mom."

"I don't think it'll take all of us to plant one little pot of flowers, baby, but I'll be happy to have you all come see me."

Just then, there was a knock on the doorframe, and the guy from the florist shop stepped in pulling a cart full of potted hyacinths, as did another guy behind him.

"Emmett, what did you do, buy them out?" mom gasped.

"Like I said, flower planting party," I smirked.

"Come here, my Dimply Dumplings, you're such a sweet, sweet boy. Mommy loves you so much, precious."

I could hear Edward snickering, and I looked back just in time to see Bella elbow him in the ribs. I stuck my tongue out at him. I knew he was just jealous, because mommy loved me the best.

Nurse Nasty came in to take my mom's vitals and looked at me again, closer this time. "We went out, right? I thought I recognized you. You didn't leave me your number, though. You should've stayed around for breakfast. I could still make you some pancakes in the morning if you'd like to come by tonight?" she offered. I had to do some damage control.

"No, thank you. The next woman I have breakfast with will be wearing a wedding band, and she'll either be my wife or my mom, and since you'll never be either one, I don't believe you'll be needing my number."

My mom smiled wider, the nurse pouted, Edward fist-bumped me, my father patted my back, Bella winked at me, and Rose told the nurse, "I believe we'd like a different nurse and will speak to the doctor about it. You can go now."

I knew my old life might pop up and haunt me at some point, but I knew now that I wouldn't be going back to it, ever. I had my eye on the prize, and I was shooting for something better. My family deserved it, and I'd finally realized that I deserved it, too.


	11. Chapter 11

**Dollybigmomma wrote this all on her own, so send her all your love.**

**Chapter 11: Edward Cullen's Views on Advertising Elasticity and Vicarious Learning **

**Advertising Elasticity** - The relationship between a change in advertising budget and the resulting change in product sales.

**Vicarious Learning - **The changes in an individual's behavior brought about by observing the actions of others and the consequences of those actions.

Mom was in the hospital for several more days, but I think we all breathed a sigh of relief once we finally got her home. Her backside was tender from the procedure they had done on both sides to acquire new skin for her reconstruction grafts, and she wasn't allowed to do any lifting or straining, which she couldn't have done anyway as sore as her chest was, so all of us pitched in and helped take care of her, even Bella and Rosalie. Maybe we were doing it a little too well, given how she started scowling every time someone asked if they could get her anything. Esme Cullen was a strong, independent woman who took care of others, so needing to be cared for was getting on her last nerve.

"That's enough already!" my mother griped, when Emmett tried to fluff her pillow, and I moved to put her feet up again. "I'm fine, boys, really, now go talk to your father for a while. I want to chat with my girls."

She waved us off and grinned at Bella and Rose. They had been helping mom with caring for her incisions and dressing, since she wasn't supposed to be using her arms much. I was starting to feel a bit rejected and neglected. The most I'd gotten to do for her was to bring her a drink and move some flowers closer to her. Emmett usually beat me to it every time mom even made a peep. He was taking this whole favorite thing a little far. I was the baby, so I was supposed to be the favorite. That was the rule!

I walked into the kitchen to find dad at the table eating a sandwich and reading a trade magazine. "Hey, Dad, do you need anything? Is there anything I can do for you?" I asked with a sigh, and my father looked up at me, smiling understandingly.

"She kicked you out again, eh? She lasted longer than I thought she would this time," he chuckled.

"Well, I'm not going far, so if she needs anything, I'll get it."

"Son, let me tell you something about your mother. You see where I'm at right now?" he asked motioning toward his place at the table, and I nodded, not following where he was going with this. "I'd move heaven and earth for that woman, and she knows it. But she's stubborn, not necessarily in a bad way, just in an exasperating way sometimes. She loves to hover and pamper others, yet she has a hard time being the subject of said same, always has. I've just learned how to take care of her in ways that she's not even aware I'm doing it most of the time."

I was intrigued. "How do you pull that off? Mom's as sharp as a tack. I can't imagine much of anything getting past her."

"With your mom, it's all in the small stuff, like paying attention and taking care of things before she even has to ask. Knowing her well enough to know when to stay near her or give her some space. Realizing that the best thing I can do for her sometimes is to do nothing at all in that moment, because that's just the way she wants it. That's the hardest one of all to learn how to recognize and accept. Like I said, I'd do anything for her, but sometimes, she just wants what she wants, I don't always understand it, but I listen to her, and I observe. I trust her and have faith in her, and so I do my very best to follow her lead. I've learned to read her pretty well, and that kind of rapport comes with time, and lots of love."

What my dad said made sense, and I figured he was the best example I had for how to do anything effectively. He'd been married to my mother for over thirty years now, and she seemed as extremely happy and content as he did, so I guess he was doing something right.

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Communication, Edward, it's not just my business, it's my way of life."

"I think you need to have a t-shirt made up with that on it, Dad," I chuckled.

"Who says I don't have one already?"

Over the next two weeks, I worked hard to put dad's advice into action. I was determined to do anything and everything my mom wanted, even doing some things she didn't even know she needed done. I walked around their house, fixing things I saw that needed it, cleaned spots I knew mom would have gotten to had she been able, but no one else had noticed yet. I made sure her favorite snacks and drinks were always plentiful, and she always had new reading material. I'd even prepared a new flowerbed for all her hyacinths Emmett had bought her, adding compost and fertilizer and turning it in, so they would thrive and bloom well. We had yet to plant any of them, because mom wanted to supervise their placement with the new rose and lilac bushes we'd promised her. Right now, she had the pots spread throughout the house, filling the whole place with her favorite scent.

While I'd been working on the flowerbed, I'd looked up and noticed Bella watching me from the kitchen window, smiling and looking at me in a way that made my stomach clench. I liked how that felt and was determined to keep doing what it took to feel it some more.

I figured what dad had told me applied to being a good neighbor and friend as well, so when I'd gotten home on Saturday evening, I'd fertilized Rose's yard when I did mine, I put their trashcans in for them, and while I was washing my car, once it had cooled down some, I noticed Bella's was pretty badly in need of it as well, so I dragged my water hose and car cleaning cart across the street and did hers, too, by the dim light of the streetlamp that illuminated the cul-de-sac. She had been so busy working and being over at my parents' house helping my mother that she hadn't had a chance to do it herself. It was the least I could do.

I was just finishing with the Armour-All and was about to pull out the paste wax when Rose came out of the house, smiling widely at me. "It's almost eleven o'clock, Edward. What are you doing out here at this hour?"

"It's the first chance I've had to wash my car in a while, and since it's so dang hot until well after sunset, now is the best time."

"No, I mean, why are you in _our_ driveway washing cars?"

"Oh, well, I saw Bella's needed it, too…"

"That's so sweet, Edward. I'm sure she'll appreciate it. She's sound asleep now, or I'd call her out here to thank you properly," she smirked.

"Oh, she doesn't need to thank me…"

"Edward, the best part of doing something for a woman is being thanked…_properly_."

Dad hadn't mentioned _that_, but the way Rose said it, it sounded good.

She wished me a good night and went back inside, and so I finished with the polish, then I rolled up the hose and got ready to drag it all back across the street. It was about midnight now, and I was beat, as I headed home. I looked down the street and noticed a black Mercedes parked on the curb a couple of houses down, and I wondered if Mr. Evans had company or had gotten a new car. He was retired, so I doubted it was the latter.

As I stepped into the street, I noticed there was someone behind the wheel, but the windows were dark tinted, so I couldn't see their gender. They slid down in their seat a bit and started the car, and then suddenly, they were barreling into the circle, and I barely managed to dive into my driveway to keep from being hit, as they circled the cul-de-sac at a high rate of speed, before tearing down the street and around the corner, never turning on their headlights. Idiots, they'd almost hit me! I knew I was wearing dark colors, but my pasty pale face and arms should have at least been visible with the streetlamp. If it had been a bit brighter, I might have gotten their license plate number, but it was too dark, and I was too busy trying not to die. I sure as heck would have called the cops on them for reckless driving! We really needed to start a Crime-Stoppers group in this neighborhood.

.

Mom insisted she was feeling much better by the end of her third week home and demanded that we get out of her hair and back to work. I could tell that was crap, she was still so sore she could barely use her arms, but I remembered what my dad had said and agreed to let her have her space. That didn't mean we didn't have people checking on her regularly, though. The people from church were great about that sort of stuff.

I worried about her emotional wellbeing, though, because I had read that breast cancer survivors who had to undergo radical procedures sometimes dealt with body image issues afterwards. My mom looked the same to me, if not a little perkier than before, but of course I hadn't been privy to seeing her chest post-surgically. Not that I'd wanted to, that would be weird. However, she had been a bit stoked about getting a reduction and lift, as well as having them use some of the extra skin she claimed she had on her rear, which would in effect give her a fanny lift as well. I knew no matter what she looked like, she had nothing to worry about where my dad was concerned. He would love her and find her beautiful regardless.

We had been running on a skeleton crew at work while we had been looking after mom, doing only what absolutely had to be done to keep the office running, so Monday morning, we got back in the saddle and things quickly became busy. We were a bit behind, otherwise we wouldn't have come in until Wednesday, seeing as tomorrow was July 4th, but Aristotle Volturi was an impatient Spaniard who didn't seem to hold the holiday in much regard and was pushing for results. The Volturi's market research had been started, and we were busy running the focus group panels and doing the perception testing for the skin care line. Aristotle, the micromanager he was, was right up in the thick of it all.

"I don't think this questionnaire is really getting their true opinions on perceived benefits in relation to price, Carlisle. The answers we're getting are too vague," he complained.

I knew he wasn't happy with the answers he was getting, but the projected price they were looking at charging for this snake oil and mouse milk concoction was ludicrous. I wanted to yell at him that if he wanted those answers to be more glowingly favorable, which was what he really was after; he was going to have to either come up with a real breakthrough product or lower the suggested price substantially. Slapping the words "European formula" and "age-defying" on this stuff that was costing them pennies to produce and did no more than a grocery store generic wasn't fooling anyone with half a brain cell.

My father finally placated him with promises of reviewing the questionnaire materials, again, and we offered to walk him out to meet his driver. My hackles rose, when I saw his slimy son standing at the end of the hallway by the elevators, and he had Bella cornered with that bloody camera of his out again.

"Marcus, why are you here, where is Demetri?" Aristotle demanded, as we came up behind them. Bella looked relieved that we had shown up, not to mention mad enough to spit nails.

"I sent him home. Mother wants us to join her at Napoli's for dinner, and I offered to collect you, since I was…in the area," he shot a look at me and then leered back at Bella. She skirted around him quickly and came to stand next to me. I instinctively wrapped my arm around her, pulling her slightly behind me and shielding her from his view. "Would you gentlemen like to join us? And of course, you as well, lovely Isabella, I'm certain dinner would be all the more pleasurable if you'd…come with me," he smirked, obviously proud of his innuendo.

"No, thank you, I have other plans this evening," Bella said politely but firmly, her free hand gripping the back of my sweater vest.

"Perhaps some other time," he smiled, still looking at her like a creepy fat kid eyeing a chocolate bar.

"Not if I was starving and you were filet mignon," she muttered behind me. There was my girl.

Once they were gone, I turned to Bella. "Did he do anything to you before we got here?"

"No, I was coming through from design to bring up some copy boards, when he approached me down in reception. He asked me to show him where his father was, and I told him you all were still in a meeting. He asked for a drink, and I was bringing it back, when he cornered me down here," she said holding up the coffee mug in her hand. I reached for it, but she pulled it back. "I wouldn't do that if I were you."

"Bella, you didn't…"

The toothy, maniacal smile she flashed at me told me she had. That was kind of hot, in a gross sort of way

"Um, so, what are you doing this evening that you're not available to keep Junior company?" I asked, trying to get myself under control.

"I'm actually going to grab Rose and go help your mom make dinner tonight and then the salads and desserts for tomorrow. She's promised to show me how to make fudge pudding gooey enough to roll in. She called me earlier and said she's tired of lying around and wants to get back to being herself again. She's determined she wants to go ahead with the barbecue, but don't worry; Rose and I will wrestle together if we have to, to make sure Esme doesn't get too crazy. We're heading over as soon as we get off."

I really needed to get ahold of myself. Everything she said was sounding like an innuendo, and I was going to end up embarrassing myself. I pulled my sweater vest down a little lower, thankful it was one of my longer ones. Bella's eyes glazed over watching me tug on it, and I'd admit to flexing a little. My father's chuckling down the hallway brought me out of my haze, and I looked to see him wink at me.

I needed to go get busy and hopefully distract myself enough from the mental image of Bella and Rose wrestling in gooey fudge pudding that I would be able to walk right the rest of the afternoon.


	12. Chapter 12

**Dollybigmomma and I worked on this one together, and we hope you enjoy it. There's a little nod to my other story, The Cutting Edge, in here…can you find it?**

**Chapter 12: Edward Cullen's Views on Loss Leaders and Loyalty Indexes**

**Loss Leader - **An item advertised at an invitingly low price in order to attract customers to come in for other, more profitable items.

**Loyalty Index - **Frequency of listenership of a particular broadcast medium.

July 4th came and went in a pretty low-key fashion, just a small backyard barbeque and some firework watching with us and the girls. Mom really wasn't up to more than that, even though she'd tried to say she was. It was the one time I saw my father really put his foot down with her. He'd insisted she rest instead of doing all the cooking, and he made her comfortable on her chaise lounge under the mist canopy, so she wouldn't overheat, while she watched us plant her beloved hyacinths. I knew my mother was a strong-willed woman, but the look she was giving my father as he helped us plant the bulbs belied the fact that she didn't like being told what to do sometimes.

According to my father, she'd spent the rest of the month of July just doing things to get him worked up enough to keep him frustrated, knowing that he could do nothing about it, since she was still too sore and healing. I knew he wasn't kidding, because I'd caught them kissing passionately more than once, and I had been traumatized a couple of times from walking into the kitchen to see my dad frozen in place, my mother with a handful of the family jewels and counting the baubles, so I guess it was working for her, anyway.

August seemed to fly by, and we were moving in a new direction with Volturi. Using the data we'd collected from the focus groups and opinion testing, my dad had finally convinced Aristotle of what I had known all along, that they were trying to charge too much for the mediocre product they were trying to market, and so instead of dropping the price, they had decided to go back to the chemists in order to come up with something that would justify the cost of their product. I was glad, because it would put off their advertising campaign for a few more months. The bad news was that Aristotle had caved and was catering to his son's whining, thus allowing him to weigh in on the layout and photography once the new product was ready. That news thrilled me about as much as an acid enema would, and I was determined that any time Marcus was in our offices, Bella would _not_ be left unattended. I would see to that personally.

My friendship with Bella had grown by leaps and bounds, and at least for me, it had developed into a romantic interest. Any day now, I was going to work up the courage to ask her out. She was so beautiful on the outside, and everything she had done for my family had made me appreciate her all the more for her inner beauty as well. Every time I got near her now, my heart would beat faster, and I would break out in a sweat. It might have had something to do with me wearing my sweater vests all summer long, but I was beginning to think that maybe that was only a part of it. Needless to say, I walked around most days uncomfortable in some way or another.

Emmett wasn't doing much better. I was pretty sure he had undergone a body snatching, as he hadn't been out on a date with another woman since his big talk with our dad, and I was beginning to think I should start looking for the pod under his bed. I knew he was spending extra time in the shower, though, because I'd noticed our water bill going up, and we hadn't been watering the lawn any more than usual. Okay, I would confess to being part of that rising water usage as well, sue me.

I guess to re-channel his pent-up energy, Emmett had helped me put in a flowerbed at my house for some rosebushes and fall flowers similar to the one I'd put in at our parents' house. While we were working, I'd told him what Rose had said about women thanking men properly for doing nice things for them and how she'd said it. The next weekend, he went to the local garden center and bought a load of landscaping stones, some topsoil, plants and compost, then he went across the street and proceeded to build raised beds around the trees in Rose and Bella's front yard, filling them with fall flowers of all different colors. He'd even gone so far as to replace the filler in the existing beds with really nice landscape mulch and trimmed all the bushes and trees.

When Rose and Bella got home from a weekend trip to visit Bella's parents, I'd thought Rose was going to scare every bird within a five-mile range with the squeal she let out. I was sitting out on the porch with the paper and a glass of lemonade, watching her jump up and down, and then she ran across the street and threw her arms around my neck, planting a huge kiss on my cheek, thanking me profusely.

"It wasn't me," I'd told her. "That was all Emmett."

"Oh," she'd said looking confused. "Well, I'll be sure to tell him thanks later," she said and scurried back across the cul-de-sac.

Somehow, I figured that was what Emmett was counting on.

Labor Day weekend had always been a big deal in our family, and this year would be no different, except we had two more people joining us for our annual celebration. We had all congregated over at my parents' house this evening to help get ready for the barbecue my mom insisted she was up to having tomorrow. She was doing much better, though she tired easily still, but Esme Cullen was a determined woman, and nothing would stand in the way of her family traditions.

Mom had been teaching Rose and Bella a few of our favorite recipes over the past couple of months, but every time I'd tried to sneak in on the discussions, my mother would kick me out of the kitchen, just like right now. Butt hurt at being shooed out of the room by my mother yet again, I clomped out of the kitchen, my bottom lip out far enough to use as a shelf. I could hear them giggling behind me, especially Bella. I was beginning to think my mom liked the girls more than she did her own sons. I'd tried to eavesdrop before, but I was always interrupted, usually by my father or Emmett wanting my help with something. They had been sent outside to water the hyacinths, though, so I figured the coast was clear. I ducked into the hallway once again, determined to hear what was so "secret" that I couldn't listen and learn, too.

"Have you had a chance to try the chicken and cheese casserole on your own yet, dear?" my mother asked someone.

"Not yet, but I plan to soon," I heard Bella answer.

"It's Edward's favorite. You should have him come over and help you. He hasn't had a chance to learn how to make it yet, and I'm sure he'd like to. I'd bet you teaching him in a quieter setting than our busy kitchen would be a much better way to do it," my mom said confidently.

I nodded yes and grinned widely, as I hid outside of the kitchen, but still within earshot. It sounded like my mother had kicked me out of the kitchen for a reason, and I was liking it. Private cooking lessons with just me and Bella sounded awesome.

"Do you think he'd be interested in learning?"

"Oh definitely, my boys know how important it is to learn how to cook. It'll help them not starve now, and they'll need to share the load with their wives, once they marry."

It sounded like Rosalie cleared her throat. It wasn't Bella, because I could recognize any and every sound that came from her throat.

Suddenly, Emmett bumped into me, startling the crap out of me. "Whatcha doing?" he asked a little too loudly. Why was he back inside already?

I looked down the hall toward the kitchen and then at the bookshelf next to me. "I'm looking for something to read. It's important to stay literate."

"I don't think you _stay_ literate, you just are or you aren't," Emmett corrected me.

"Find anything good?" I about jumped out of my skin, when I heard Bella speak behind me.

"Yeah, I did," I said, blindly reaching for a book on the shelf. I held it up to show her. My parents had a wide selection of classic and contemporary literature, as well as self-help books. Because God hated me, I didn't pull out a cultured book like _Moby Dick_ or _Art of War_…no, I'd pulled down _Sex after 50_ off the shelf and was holding it out to her. She burst into giggles, before I had a chance to look down at the book I was holding.

"You plan on keeping busy long into your later years, brother?" Emmett teased.

"I…I…"

"Well, I should hope so," Bella answered for me and re-shelved the book.

Thank heavens she wasn't offended. Of course, that didn't mean I wasn't still mortified by my bad book choice.

Rose came rushing up behind her, her eyes focused back on the room she'd come from, and slammed into the back of Bella. "How could you leave me in there alone!" she hissed at Bella. "You know Esme wants babies. I'm not having her babies, you have her babies."

"Bella's gonna be a surrogate for my mom? That's kind of creepy, she's cool and all-" Emmett started.

Bella cut off his stupid rambling. "No, Emmett, I'm not going to be a surrogate for your mother. She just wants babies to play with."

I was getting more nervous by the second, "And you're going to have these babies? Do I know who you're having them with, or are you getting inseminated?" I asked hopefully. I didn't want her to get knocked up by anyone other than me.

"I haven't decided who the father will be," she answered winking at Rose.

"Oh…well…you know…I could…maybe, if you wanted…I'd be okay with…like, donating to the cause, or whatever, for the project, or um, insemination." Now I was the rambling idiot. I obviously was standing too close to Emmett, because his stupid was rubbing off on me.

Rose was giggling so hard, she was barely able to get the words out, "That's very sweet of you. I'm sure Bella would _love_ for you to make a deposit for her."

Bella punched Rose in the shoulder. "Cut it out, or I'm telling Emmett you want a huge deposit for _yourself_," Bella tried to growl out quietly, but Emmett and I both heard it loud and clear.

"We'd make awesome babies. We should totally do it, Rose. With our looks-"

"I'm not having babies. They're gross and stinky and loud, just like men," Rose said glaring at Emmett.

"Oh, you're a lesbian. That makes so much more sense now," Emmett said looking kind of sad. "I think you'd still make a great mom, Rose. You're just the kind of girl I'm looking to settle down with…well, a straight version, anyway," Emmett said sincerely, shocking us all.

"Settle down?" Rose scoffed.

Emmett ran his fingers through his hair, "Sure, I know my life hasn't been going anywhere, but I'm ready to make a change, make a future with someone, have what my parents have, you know?"

"What your parents have? Do they swing?" Rose asked skeptically.

"What does swinging have to do with anything? Their back porch has a very nice swing on it. Why wouldn't they use it?" I asked confused. Did she get motion sickness?

"Girls!" my mom called. Emmett and I hurried into the room with them, hoping to help her out in some way. "Last I checked, I gave birth to two boys. Run along," she said waving her hand at us.

Emmett noticed our baby books on the coffee table and blurted out, "Rose doesn't like kids, because she's a lesbian."

My mother's eyes widened and went right to Rose.

"She's not a lesbian," Bella tried to clear things up.

Rose elbowed her in the ribs and hissed under her breath, "If I was a lesbian, she wouldn't push me to make grandbabies."

"I think you'd get a kick out of my boys' baby pictures all the same. Come sit down."

Bella pulled Rose to the couch and kind of shoved her next to my mom, and then she sat down on the other side of her. My mother happily opened the book, and Emmett and I retreated, not wanting to feel the full-on shame of what was about to be exposed about us.

Emmett took up residence just inside the doorway that was behind the women. He caught my arm and nodded to the group. "Do you think our cute baby pictures will change Rose's mind?"

I shrugged. I really didn't know anything about Rose's mind. Women would always be a mystery to me, although she _was_ leaning in closer to get a better look and wearing a soft smile. There might be hope for Emmett yet.

"Oh, look at his little tushy. Edward has the cutest little dimples," Bella giggled. Since I didn't have dimples on my face, I knew which dimples she was referring to. I blushed a deep red, but at least she'd found them cute.

The girls went on smiling and giggling at our baby pictures, until my mother must have come to the one of us covered in mud. "Oh, my gosh, that's disgusting," Rose cringed, revolted.

"It was just mud, dear, and I hosed them off outside. I may have sprayed them in the face a couple of times, because I was upset they'd played in my flower garden, but that's just one of the privileges of being a mother."

"Hey, I knew I didn't have mud stuck in my eyebrows!" I was ready to march in there, but Emmett covered my mouth and yanked me back further so the girls didn't see us. "Didn't you hear what mom said?" I hissed at him.

"At least it wasn't your nose," Emmett countered. "Don't you see what she's doing?" I looked back toward the room they were in and then shook my head no. "She's trying to get them to want our babies. Don't you want babies with Bella?" he asked me.

I shrugged, trying to stay aloof. He gave me a hard look, and I cracked. "Okay, fine, yes, I want Bella to have my babies."

"Good to know," I heard her voice behind me, and I jumped and squealed like I had a mouse climbing up my pant leg.

"Why are you so stealthy? Are you part ninja or something?" I asked.

"I don't think you can be part ninja, she either is or she isn't," Emmett explained, making me look stupid. I really needed to go hide somewhere far away from the human race. At least that was my plan, until I saw Bella's eyes lingering on my sweater vest.

"That's a good color for you," she whispered, dare I say huskily?

"Thanks, it's a good color for you, too, I mean your shirt is," my eyes dropped right to her cleavage to check the color of her shirt, and to my complete horror, they wouldn't leave her chest. I was silently praying she didn't notice my wayward eyes, but I had no such luck. She crossed her arms over her chest, blocking the view.

"I don't think it's just the color he likes," Emmett teased us. I gave him a shove, and he stumbled, chuckling.

"No roughhousing indoors, boys, you know the rules. Bella, dear, did you ask Edward if he wanted to learn how to make his favorite casserole?"

"I'd love to," I answered fast, hoping she wouldn't deny me for staring at her chest for so long.

Bella cleared her throat nervously, "Yeah, okay, sounds like a plan. Your kitchen or mine?"

Emmett snickered like the immature teenage boy he was.

"How about mine, so once we're done, I can clean up the mess we make."

"Sounds good," Bella said with a little more confidence.

"Well, I'm glad that's finally settled. Rose, why don't you show Emmett how to make his favorite casserole on the same night, so you're sure to have a free kitchen," my mother suggested.

Emmett's whole face lit up. Rose looked him up and down and let out a sigh, "Okay, but you're cleaning up the dishes when we're done, and no funny business, got it?"

"I cross my heart and hope to die," Emmett said crossing his heart.

"No hope needed there, buddy," Rose whispered, shooting him a severe look.

Emmett high-fived me as soon as the women were out of sight again. "Score, beautiful women and fantastic food, Mom is awesome."

I had to admit, my mom was pretty awesome for hooking me up with the object of my affection. If given the chance, I'd gladly get married and repay her in grandchildren.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: Bella Swan's Views on Advance Premiums and Leave Behinds**

**Advance premium - **A premium provided to a consumer, on the condition of some later purchase.

**Leave-behind - **A premium left with prospective customers by a sales person, to remind them of the product or service being sold.

I was sure Esme thought I had no clue what she was up to, but what she didn't realize was that I would happily spend time with her handsome, sweater-vest-wearing son. Rose, on the other hand, was very resistant to the idea of spending time with Emmett, and I thought for sure she was going to declare the need for a long vacation to keep from having the image of babies being forced out of her nether regions at bay. The idea didn't bother me. I knew Esme would be an amazing grandmother, if not a little too heavy-handed in the spoiling department. Edward seemed to be more than willing, and unfortunately for Rose, so was Emmett.

Edward had had the upper hand on me ever since my sweater vest fetish was revealed, and I was floundering, trying to find something in my wardrobe that would affect him as strongly. I was at my wits end, when Rose came strolling in. "What are you doing, cleaning out your closet?" she asked innocently.

I flopped back on the bed, covering my face. "I can't find anything to wear for tonight."

"Tonight? I thought we were teaching the boys how to cook tonight?"

"We are!" I lamented. "I want to look nice, though. I'm finally going to be alone with Edward, and I want him to want to do more than just cook!" I cried, exasperated.

She picked up a few of my clothes and held out some of the dresses, looking confused. "You were going to wear a dress?"

I shrugged.

Her eyes roamed the floor, her brow furrowed, but then her whole face lit up. Anything that got Rose that excited couldn't be good.

"I'VE GOT IT! Put on your long-line bustier, I'll be right back." She ran out of the room, leaving me a nervous mess, as I dug through my lingerie drawer for the white bra I rarely ever pulled out. The thing made my double D's look like a display of ripe cantaloupes. She came twirling in with a periwinkle blue dress pressed to her front. "This is just what you need. Try it on. It'll probably be a bit long on you, and maybe a little tight through the bust, but it should still fit. I guarantee you the entrance you'll make with this will leave a lasting impression. You can thank me later," she grinned.

I pulled the fluffy blue thing on and buttoned the two rows of buttons down the front, albeit with some difficulty. Rose might have been taller than me, but I had a whole lot more chest than she did. The full skirt of the dress hit just past my knees. I stepped in front of the mirror, just as Rose wrapped a set of pearls around my neck, and then she handed me a pair of matching pearl studs for my ears. "I look like June Cleaver."

"I know, right? Geeky Edward channels Ward Cleaver with those sweater vests, so he seems like the June-loving type."

I looked down at how nicely the tightly-fitted bodice hugged my torso and waist, and then it flared at the hip. I eyed those buttons dubiously, though. They seemed to be straining a bit. Once the pearls were secured in place, I spun in a circle like a two-year-old and watched as the dress flew out. "It's perfect."

"Told you," Rose sang, and then she pulled out a little white apron to go with it. I didn't know why she had this dress, and I wasn't going to ask. I knew that it'd most likely barely hit mid thigh on her, though, and those straining buttons that ran along the front bust seams down to the waistline from the square neckline were a bit peculiar.

She did my hair and makeup in a 1950's theme to match the dress. I was starting to feel silly, but it was too late to change. I slipped into a pair of white pumps and grabbed the bags of ingredients and my casserole dish. I nervously rushed across the street, amazed that I didn't trip. Of course, I spoke too soon and tripped into the door with a thud. So much for knocking.

Edward answered it, looking amazing in vintage green argyle, his sexy glasses framing his beautiful green eyes. He wasn't playing fair. If a man could cheat without cheating, he was doing it. His sweater vest hugged his chest, accented by a lighter green shirt underneath. That man could color coordinate. If he hadn't gotten excited when I'd been in the shower with him, I would have thought he was gay. His hygiene was commendable as well. All around, Edward was the perfect guy.

I heard him clear his throat and squeak my name, only for him to clear it again and say it in an oddly deep tone. "Bella, please, come in. Welcome to my home." He waved his arm, showing me in, and then he scrambled to take the bags from me. "I'm so sorry, I didn't realize you were…I was…ah…just…I'll…thank you…" I wasn't sure what he was saying, but he was all red-faced and flustered. I hoped the dress was working.

I was still holding the casserole dish, so I led the way to the kitchen. When I turned around, I realized Edward's eyes were focused on my waist. "Shall we get started?" I asked.

His eyes hadn't moved, and he didn't answer.

"Edward?" I stepped forward and took the bags from him. His eyes snapped up to mine, popping wide. "Shall we get started?" I asked again. He nodded yes dumbly, but part way through his nod, his eyes got stuck on my waist. I guessed the dress was working after all.

"I bought boneless skinless chicken breasts. It'll make cooking this a lot easier," I said pulling it out of one of the bags. "Do you have a cutting board?" I asked looking over my shoulder. Edward's eyes were still stuck on my body, his hands out in front of him a little ways, like he was about to reach for me. "Edward?" I said his name louder.

He jumped, startled, and his face snapped up to mine. He quickly hid his hands behind his back. "Yes?"

"I need a cutting board, sweetie. Do you mind getting one out for me?"

"Yeah, yeah, sure," he said nodding excessively and then stumbled across the kitchen. He came back with a mixing bowl and a frying pan.

"We'll need those, too, but I really need the cutting board first."

He looked down at what he was holding and blushed. He was about to run off with them, but I grabbed them and set them aside. I put the frying pan on the stove with a little olive oil in it.

When he brought the board to me, I got straight to chopping the chicken, showing him how to cut across the grain of the meat, instead of with it. When I looked up to see if he was getting it, his eyes were locked on my waist again. I contemplated calling him out on it and making him listen to the lesson, but I decided against it. I could always offer to come back and refresh his memory.

I diced my ingredients, and then I took out the new bottles of seasonings I'd bought to leave for him. I had to remove the foil freshness seals on the containers, and the chicken bouillon jar was proving very difficult. I was trying to grab the edge of it to peel it back, but it was being stubborn, so I tugged harder. I was on the verge of handing it over to Edward, since having it in a full arm lock didn't seem to be helping, but then all havoc broke loose.

The edge of the jar got caught on a couple of the top buttons on the front of my dress and popped them right off, one of them beaning Edward in the eye as it shot off. The foil came free at the same time, and chicken bouillon exploded all over the kitchen as well. I quickly set the half-empty jar down and checked on Edward.

"Are you okay?" I asked worried.

"What happened?"

"Did it hit your eye?"

"What…" he squinted at me and then looked down at my dress. The front left side was hanging down a bit, not really exposing me, but getting pretty close to it. It was in that "don't jump or dance, or it'll pop" zone.

Embarrassed, I held it back up in place. "I lost a couple of buttons. Did you see where they went?" I asked, and then I wanted to kick myself, because he couldn't see anything after he'd been hit in the eye!

"I didn't see, but I'll help you look," he offered sweetly.

Of course, glancing around the kitchen made me feel even worse, because it was sprinkled in chicken bouillon.

"I can get you a safety pin for that," he pointed to the hand holding where the lost buttons once were.

"Could you, please?" I didn't want to risk losing any sensitive flesh while grating the cheese.

Once he was out of the room, I got down on all fours, looking for those stupid buttons. Rose wasn't going to be happy with me bringing her dress home broken.

I heard a groan behind me and looked up to see Edward hanging onto the counter, looking like he was about to fall over. "Are you alright?" I asked worried and got up a little too fast. I almost flashed him, but I was able to catch myself, literally, in my hand.

He nodded yes and held up the safety pin. I took it, but then quickly figured out that it was in a difficult place to see. With the way the dress folded by the buttons to keep from exposing anything while it was closed, it made it a bit challenging. I poked myself a couple times fighting with it, frustrated that I wasn't getting anywhere close to making it work.

"Do you want me to try?" Edward asked, frowning at the prick of blood on my finger. I let out a sigh and surrendered the pin. He looked relieved for all of two seconds, until we both realized that he was going to have to put his hand inside my dress. His eyes shot up to mine worriedly, but he was going to have to help me whether he liked it or not. He slowly slid his hand under the edge of my dress to hold the material in place. "Is this okay?" he asked nervously.

I nodded yes, but it made my body move and his hand slip deeper. We both jumped, when his hand brushed a sensitive spot. "Sorry!" he threw his hands up like I had him at gunpoint.

"It's fine, Edward, just do it. I've scrubbed your butt, so you can pin my boob. It's only fair."

He cringed when I said that, and I realized that was probably not the best thing to say, if I was hoping to get him to loosen up.

He quickly and carefully pinned my dress with no further incident, and I got back to work on the chicken and cheese casserole. Edward stood on the far side of the kitchen, not even pretending to watch what I was doing. That whole butt comment had just made things awkward between us. I really hated my mouth sometimes.

"Since the ingredients are already cooked, we're really just putting it in the oven to melt the cheese," I said sliding the casserole into the oven.

"I'll set the table," he mumbled, and I dropped my head on the counter as soon as he was out of sight. I had ruined everything.

I threw together a quick salad and made some Kool-Aid. I was going for the nostalgic feeling, and Esme had said his favorite flavor was strawberry.

He took the salad into the dining room and perked right up, when he saw I'd made Kool-Aid. "Is that strawberry?" he asked excited. I knew then that there was still hope to salvage the evening.

Of course, things got even crazier, when I set the casserole on the table. I should have known better than to borrow clothing from Rose. When I stretched across the table to set it down on the hot pads, the safety pin popped loose and sprung open, stabbing me pretty deeply. I jumped, screaming in pain, and quickly reached up to yank it out of my flesh, but it must have been caught on the material, because when I pulled, it ripped the whole bodice open, popping every single button down to my waist. I was stunned and looked up at Edward, worried that he'd think I'd done it on purpose. At least I didn't peg him in the eye with any of the buttons, but I was pretty sure some had landed in the Kool-Aid, casserole and salad.

"Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, Edward!" I said crossing my arms, horrified that I'd flashed him and ruined dinner all in one fatal swoop. He hadn't said a word or made a move, until I had said his name.

"Are you okay? Wait, why are you sorry?" he asked confused.

"I ruined dinner. There are buttons in the Kool-Aid," I pointed at the pitcher, stupidly dropping the front of my dress.

"It's okay, we can just scoop them out, but are you really okay, Bella?" he cleared his throat, before he spoke again. "Do you want me to look at it?"

I nodded, unable to say a word, as his green argyle-covered chest moved closer to mine. His hands paused, hovering just above mine, silently asking if it was okay to look. I took a deep breath and moved them, letting the bodice fall enough for him to see. We were both breathing heavily, as he inched the dress off my shoulder a bit to see the stab wound.

He frowned and took my hand. "Let's take this into the bathroom. I have a first-aid kit in there."

I followed wordlessly and sat on the counter when he pointed to it. He gently moved the dress again and dabbed the pin prick with some antiseptic and then put on a little band-aid. "Better?" he asked with a soft smile.

I nodded yes, "Thank you."

"I think dinner is fine. We just have to watch for buttons when we eat. How many do you think there were?" he looked down at my exposed bustier and swallowed hard. I held out the button-less flap, and we counted together.

"There were a dozen buttons, but two were lost in the kitchen, so there are only ten on the table," I peeked up at him, and his eyes were trying not to focus on my exposed skin again. I pulled my dress up, covering myself with both arms, and his eyes darted up to mine. He looked worried, or maybe ashamed. I was shocked, when he whipped off his sweater vest and then pulled it down over my head.

"Better?" he asked sweetly.

That was it, I was done for. I was going all in or going home. I grabbed a hold of his shirt, but I didn't yank him forward. I pulled him gently, wondering if he knew what I wanted. If he wanted it, too.

His eyes focused on my lips, but he made no move to dip down to them. I had to weave my fingers into his hair and pull him down to me. I was terrified he'd resist, but he didn't. As soon as our lips touched, he wrapped his arms around me, lifting me up and kissing me back hard. It was perfect.

When we pulled back to breathe, we were both panting hard. "Thank you," I whispered softly, still trying to gain my voice.

He smiled widely, "No, thank _you_."

I giggled, and he kissed me lightly again, before he helped me off the counter and led me back to the dining room.

Yes, dinner had been a success, flying buttons and all, and I'd gotten my first kiss from Edward. It was perfect.


	14. Chapter 14

**Dollybigmomma worked hard on this one, and we banged our heads together pretty hard to think up this mess. Make sure you give her props.**

**Chapter 14: Edward Cullen's Views on ****Kinaesthetic Communication and Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs **

**Kinaesthetic Communication** - involves touching and feeling; those buyers favoring kinaesthetic communication to visual and audio tend to be driven by emotion, and so it is often prevalent in domestic buying decisions.

**Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - **a hierarchical structure of human needs as defined by Abraham Maslow. Maslow said that we operate at different levels according to the extent to which our needs are being fulfilled, working from the bottom level up, and only when each level is fulfilled do we move up to the next. Working from the bottom tier, the levels are:

- Basic physiological need to sustain life, such as food, shelter, clothing, etc.

- Safety needs, i.e. security and comfort.

- Social needs, i.e. love, intimacy, friendship.

- Self-esteem needs, i.e. recognition or status, a feeling of importance or worth.

- Self-actualization, i.e. the ultimate achievement of personal goals, which vary from one individual to another.

After the cooking lesson with Bella that ended in the best kiss of my life, I was walking around on cloud nine. She helped me clean up the mess and put away the food, and then we had gone into the family room and sat down to talk, which led to more kissing. I had started getting very excited, and so not wanting to do anything to disrespect Bella, I'd needed something to cover up my problem until it went away. I had done a load of towels earlier and grabbed the basket, beginning to fold them nervously. Bella looked at me confused for a moment, but then she just grinned at me and began folding, too. She leaned into me and laid her head against my shoulder as she folded the washcloths, and never before had I enjoyed doing laundry so much. Silly, I know, but it was a perfect moment for us.

Apparently, Emmett and Rose's cooking lesson had gone alright, too. Well, Emmett came home with all his appendages intact, so he at least must have behaved himself. He did look a little tense, though, when he came home, heading straight for his room, where he cranked up his stereo then turned on his shower. I could imagine what that was all about, but I didn't really want to.

We escorted the girls to church on Sunday morning, and my mom and dad joined us. Mom was doing much better, and my dad was smiling widely, looking very relaxed. When he winked at me, I was pretty sure all was well in the intimacy department with them now, which made me happy, but again, I didn't spend too much time in thought on that subject.

After the main service, my mom made the rounds with all the young mothers with babies, but Rose was ready for her this time and conveniently ducked out to find the restrooms. Bella stepped up, though, and held every baby she could get her hands on. The sight of that had my imagination working overtime, as it did my mother's. The twinkle in her eyes as she watched Bella made me long to see it there permanently. I noticed my brother watching, too, and looking almost wistful. Rose came back into the chapel, just as my mom passed Emmett a beautiful baby girl named Rachel with huge blue eyes and a headful of blond ringlets. The little girl was fascinated with his tie and had the end of it in her mouth. She was drooling all over him, and he just let her, even using his tie to wipe her face a little.

"She's leaving spit all over you," Rose said with her brows furrowed, looking a little grossed out.

"Eh, it's just a little baby drool, nothing the dry cleaner can't get out," he chuckled, making faces and silly voices at the little girl who thought he was hilarious and was giggling and gurgling at him.

"That's-" Rose started, but then Emmett handed the little girl off to her.

"Hold her, Rosie. She's so soft and warm. Here, she likes it when you do this," he said and proceeded to pretend to eat the baby's knee. The giggling baby girl grabbed two handfuls of Emmett's sandy brown curls and began to jerk, hard. "Ouch! Easy on the curls, kid. Dang, she's got a strong grip," he laughed, prying little Rachel's fingers out of his hair.

"I figured you'd like that sort of thing," Rose muttered, and Emmett looked at her shocked.

"That's a baby, Rose, that's not…" he stopped, frowning, "You know, never mind." He shook his head and walked away, leaving Rose standing there. Rose looked down at the little girl in her arms and sighed, handing her back to her mother.

"What just happened?" I asked Bella, who had been standing beside me watching the whole thing.

"I have a feeling that Emmett is finally recognizing he and Rose want different things and is about to give up on her," she answered frowning.

Rose was still watching Emmett walk away, stunned that she'd gotten the brushoff. I had a feeling that didn't happen to her very often.

"Come on, Bella, let's get out of here," Rose said and grabbed hold of Bella's arm. My main goal today was to hold Bella's hand. I had a pretty good feeling about it, and I was sure she'd let me hold it in front of everyone. If I could just get Rose to stop dragging her away, I could test out my theory.

I had caught up to them, but when I reached for Bella's hand, she shifted suddenly, and I ended up with a handful of firm backside. Now, this might not have been a bad thing, except it wasn't Bella's backside that I'd grabbed. Mrs. Channing, a very large elderly widow, turned around smirking. I, of course, was frozen in shock and still had my hand out in front of me like an idiot, proving my groping guilt. Not one of my finer moments, I'd have to say.

"Fresh!" she said way too playfully, whacked my shoulder with her purse and then winked at me. When she did a tiger growl at me under her breath, I quickly dropped my hand, backing away. Of course, I wasn't watching where I was going and bumped into another elderly lady, Mrs. Pendleton, almost knocking her over. I whipped around to right her, accidentally grabbing her saggy old boob in the process. Could I die right now? It would have just made this so much easier.

"Well, Mildred, looks like we've got us a live one here this morning," Mrs. Pendleton grinned at me, patting my hand that had frozen in place on her bosom, "But Mr. Pendleton might not appreciate your interest, although these days, I doubt he'd know the difference. Right, Harvey?" she practically shouted at the old man standing next to her. The way he was smacking his gums and ignoring her, it looked like he'd forgotten his dentures _and_ his hearing aids this morning. She poked him in the ribs with her elbow, making him jump. "Right, Harvey?" she yelled again.

"Heh? Whatever you say, dear," he said back way too loud. In their own way, they were absolutely adorable.

I finally managed to retrieve my hand and dodge a couple of rear end pinches, only to turn around and see Bella positively red and looking like she was about to pass out from trying to hold back her laughter. She took pity on me and grabbed my hand, intertwining her fingers with mine, as we made our way toward Sunday school.

"You're too cute for your own good, Edward. I'm going to have to kick some old lady butt if you keep this up. You're mine, and I don't share," she smiled up at me.

"I'm yours?" I asked, and the smile on my face almost was painful it stretched so wide. I wanted to be hers.

"Yes, you are. Now, behave yourself and think holy thoughts. We're in God's house remember," she smirked at me, but then as I went to sit down, she pinched my butt herself, making me jump and look at her wide-eyed. Ooh, she was in so much trouble later.

Just as the Sunday school teacher was about to start, a cute young lady stuck her head in the door. "Excuse me, but is there anyone here willing to come down and help in the nursery? Our usual helpers are not here today," she asked looking hopeful.

"I'll help," Emmett volunteered, and the girl grinned widely, discretely checking him out, before turning to lead the way to back to the nursery.

Class started, and Rose sat ramrod straight, her eyes still focused on the door, scowling the whole time. After about five minutes, she excused herself to go to the restroom, grabbing Bella's hand and dragging her out behind her. I sat there listening to the lesson for another fifteen minutes or so, wondering what was taking them so long to come back. Curiosity got the better of me, and I slipped out of the door at the back of the room to go find them.

I headed down the hallway and turned the corner, spotting the two of them lurking outside the nursery room and peeking over the half door. Rose was practically fuming, her fists clinched at her sides, as she peered around the door frame into the room where the babies were playing. It sounded like they were having a good time, because you could hear them giggling from where I was standing.

"What is he doing?" Rose hissed to Bella, as I came up behind them.

"It looks like he's playing with the children," Bella whispered back in a duh voice, and I peeked in, too, to see she was right. Emmett looked like he was thoroughly enjoying playing with the babies who were climbing all over him.

"Oh, Emmett, you're so good with the kids. They just love you!" the girl from earlier said enthusiastically. "Do you plan on having a family of your own some day?"

"I'd like to. I've really been trying to get my life organized so I can focus on finding someone to settle down with," Emmett said quietly.

"Oh really? Do you have anyone specific in mind?" she asked a little too sweetly, leaning in a little closer to him.

"Oh, hell no!" Rose spat under her breath and jerked the door open, "I'm here to help with the kids!" she announced loudly, startling the babies and making several of them start crying. Bella and I ran in behind her to help diffuse the situation, before Rose got into a fist fight with the girl in front of the kids.

"We're here to help, too!" I said and grabbed a crying little boy. Bella quickly sat on the floor and pulled two more bawling babies into her lap, trying to calm them down.

Emmett stood up and moved next Rose, asking quietly, "What are you doing in here? I thought you didn't like kids."

"Well, you like them enough for the both of us, so it's alright," she said, and they stood there looking at each other for a minute, before Emmett pulled her into his arms and kissed her.

"Um, _excuse_ _me,_ there are children present, and that's highly inappropriate," the nursery girl growled, looking extremely perturbed and sounding a lot jealous.

"Hey, Edward, you and Bella got this?" Emmett asked, his arms still around Rose.

"Yeah, no problem," I said, and Bella nodded.

"Good, 'cause we're out of here," he grinned, hooking his arm around Rose, and they were gone.

"Well, that went well," Bella said, trying not to giggle at the sour expression on the nursery girl's face.

For the rest of church, we stayed in the nursery, and I watched Bella with the children. She was a natural, and I found I really enjoyed being with the kids, too, which I think Bella noticed as well, because every time I looked over at her, she was smiling at me adoringly.

My mom found us after church, and we were still on the floor, playing with the last few kids who hadn't been collected yet. She was grinning from ear to ear, as she watched us from the doorway. "Have you seen Rose and Emmett? I haven't been able to find them anywhere."

"They left earlier," Bella smirked.

"Together?" mom asked expectantly.

"Yes, together, _very_ together," I grinned back at her.

My mom started clapping and squealing, and all the babies started clapping and squealing with her, even though I was sure they had no idea why. I guess when you were a baby, it didn't really matter.

We were getting ready to leave, when we passed the bishop's office. I was shocked to see Rose and Emmett in there talking with him. I couldn't hear the conversation, but they were all smiling, so it couldn't have been anything too bad. Rose saw us and came out, leaving Emmett with the bishop, closing the door behind her.

"I see Emmett is finally meeting with the bishop. That's a really good sign," my dad smiled widely. "I'd hoped he was serious about turning his life around, and it looks like he is."

"He's a good man," Rose said quietly, as she sat to wait for Emmett, and for her to say that was huge. My brother really was a good man, and he deserved a good life.

All the way back home, I held Bella's hand in the back seat. My mom kept peeking over her shoulder at us, glancing at our joined hands. I had a permanent grin plastered on my face, too.

We spent the rest of the afternoon with my parents, playing board games and enjoying the day. After dinner, Bella and I headed home, and I kept Bella's hand in mine the whole way. I'd finally gotten it, and I wasn't keen on letting it go anytime soon. I knew I would have to shortly, so she could go to her house, but I really didn't want to lose the feeling of being connected to her. It was early October, but here in Dallas, that didn't mean anything weather-wise, so it was still pretty warm and a beautiful evening.

"Would you like to go for a walk?" I asked her, as I helped her out of the car. "I could use one after three slices of my mom's cheesecake."

She chuckled but nodded yes, taking my hand back in hers, and we set off down the street. Our neighborhood was nicely lined with large trees, and they were just starting to turn colors. The sun was low in the sky, making everything slightly shimmery with a golden hue. I looked over at Bella, watching the fading sun's rays playing off her hair. I had never seen a more beautiful sight.

"You're so beautiful," I thought, not realizing I had said it out loud.

"Thank you, you're not too hard on the eyes, either," she smiled back at me. I could feel my ears burning red.

We walked down to the neighborhood park for a while, and I pushed her on the swings, enjoying her laughter and taking every opportunity I could to tickle her before pushing her swing. I kept having an eerie feeling, though, like we were being watched, but given it was in the middle of a neighborhood, we probably were.

It was getting dark by the time we headed back home, but I didn't want the evening to end. Just as we turned back onto the cul-de-sac, I saw what looked like that same black Mercedes that had nearly run me down a few weeks ago idling at the corner on the next street over. I didn't want to worry Bella, so I didn't say anything; I just picked up our pace slightly, wanting to get her home safely and get her secured. Something about that car being in the neighborhood again had the hair standing up on the back of my neck, and I didn't like that feeling, not one bit.


End file.
